Two Faced
by Lulu Mercury
Summary: No one wants to read about cowards. They want to read about Saint Potter’s victory against the Dark Lord and Rita Skeeter’s take on Snape. The snide voice use to tell me I was a spineless maggot...
1. No Choice

_Chapter 1: No Choice_

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and other characters don't belong to me. This story, these chapters, do.**

I feel elation, I feel glee at this prospect. I am going to prove to everyone what I am capable of, and I am going to be become a Death Eater and as much as this makes me feel accomplished, I am slightly frightened. Always duel minded, always battling. The constant duality and conflicts of my personality, of my mind, has tormented me my entire life. I hate myself for it. I try to look in the mirror at see someone I like reflected back but I cry, because I hate what I see. And I'm a coward, I'm ashamed, I'm incompetent. _I can't _do it. Savagely, I glared at myself. I can't do it because I'm not capable enough, and I can't do it because _I_ can't. Murder Albus Dumbledore… I know I don't have it in me and I shutter to imagine what HE would think, what father would think…even what Severus would think.

'Don't ' that childish voice crooned, but she had been my only comfort. She listened. 'Don't…tell me what's wrong…I can help you…' Thoughtful, but a naïve and ridiculous notion. I could barley breath.

'No one can help me.' I gasped, shaking violently. 'I can't do it…I can't…it won't work…and unless I do it soon…he says he'll kill me…' I choked. Gasping and shuddering, I finally lifted my head up and saw Potter, of all people, watching me. Anger surged through my veins. Fury and humiliation. It made me instantly draw out my wand, trying to hex him, but it missed. I glared at him. I hated Saint Potter so much I could barley contain it. He thought he'd try that on me? I'd make him suffer, and he would suffer my pain. I uttered 'Cruci-' but it was too late. Suddenly I felt my body rip and tear and felt excruciating pain seep through my body, into my very bones. I could only see blood everywhere, could only smell and feel blood, as it squirted ruthlessly from my body and my entire face and chest felt as if it were being slashed by a sword. But there was no sword. A faint thought formed in my mind. Potter, _The Chosen One_, had inflicted Dark Magic on me?

I vaguely became aware of Severus stalking into the bathroom. How had he known? Or had he just heard my screams? Was I even screaming? I wasn't sure. I felt the wounds close over, and hazily glanced up. The blood had gone, and it was Severus who was now wiping the blood off my face with his sleeve, and muttering another spell that made the wounds close over.

'You need to go to the hospital wing. There may be a certain amount of scarring, but if you take dittany immediately we might avoid even that…come…' I felt myself being heaved by him and supported away. I heard him say something to Potter, but I don't know what. He took me very quickly to the hospital wing, and then I heard a shriek.

'What happened, Severus?' Madam Pomphrey's voice shrilled and I was immediately thrust onto the bed.

'Potter cursed him with a very dangerous spell. Although, I don't believe he knew what the spell did, it was nonetheless ruthless to use a foreign spell on someone' Severus replied coldly and I felt my face and chest sting as she applied what must have been dittany. Madam Pomphrey had gasped when she had learnt precious Potter had done this.

Severus turned to leave and I found myself gasping 'Where are you going?' he looked at me curiously for a moment.

'To sort Potter out' he said. 'I will be back, don't worry' he added gently. Even with allies, he was not a man to usually be described as gentle, but that was written in his expression, his voice…

He left and I sat there, laying there in silence. Not one of my friends knew I was here, but Crabbe and Goyle, those idiots weren't friends. They were people I used and Pansy…maybe she was a friend. I don't think I had real friends, not really. Rain splattered against the roof and windows furiously and it only made me feel more sombre. Madam Pomphrey kept coming over and fussing, she gave me another potion which tasted rank. 'Leave me alone, I'm fine now.' I hesitated. 'Thank you' I muttered and her affronted expression softened. She left.

I was laying on my side, away from the entrance, but I knew he had arrived. It must have been his energy, which was a distinct aura of the serene, actually. Without a word he sat in the chair by my bed, and I knew he was looking at me. For a long moment, he said nothing.

'How are you…feeling?' he finally asked.

'Fine' I drawled.

'Potter's got detention with me on Saturday - he - have you been crying, Draco?'

'Before his attack, during, or after? Yeah, all three, actually.' I had cried as I sat in silence here.

'You will heal perfectly, don't worry about that…'

'It's not that!' I snarled. 'Yes, Potter's a fucken bastard' (did his eyes flash dangerously? And he flinched? Just because I swore?)

'I had no idea Potter was capable of such dark magic, but I know where he learnt it. He learnt it from me.' Severus spat, and answering my quizzical expression, replied, 'Potter has been in possession of my old Potions book that had been written in with spells…and curses…I had invented.'

'You invented spells? That was _your_ spell?' I asked, wide eyed. My mouth was slightly agape, too.

'Yes' his black eyes glittered. It unnerved me. 'It was invented to inflict pain, so I quite understand -'

'I told you' I snapped. 'I'm fine now. I'll be ok. That - that's not why I was crying'

'Well, then, what could possibly be affecting you so? You know, as I'm sure your charming Aunt Bellatrix has taught you, you have to control your emotions!' He looked frazzled.

'And be a cold, expressionless, unfeeling, person like you? I shot back. I saw for the first time in my life that very expressionless façade pass. Vanish. Something I recognized as hurt and pain flashed past his face.

'If you want the Dark Lord to read your every thought, know your every fear…be my guest' he spat. Anger flashed in his eyes. I turned my gaze away from him and looked out the window instead.

Ever since I had allowed myself to feel emotion, to cry, to face myself and even let someone else in…even if she was a ghost, I had felt better. A pressure had been lifted. Ever since I had felt my emotions and confided in someone…suddenly something occurred to me. It hit me and I frowned, but hadn't it been obvious?

'I think Potter got away as a baby…and I think he keeps defeating him…because…because he _doesn't _control his emotions. He…the Dark Lord can't stand it. Think about it. He harps on about what a fool Dumbledore is…how he thinks love is so powerful. He doesn't love anyone, so maybe Potter's…I don't know, ability to love? Saves him?'

'Who would have thought, Draco Malfoy, jumping on the Dumbledore, Power of Love bandwagon?'

I felt colour rise in my face. But I felt angry.

'What?!…how did Potter escape him all those times? He's got no special power, right? So how does he keep escaping a wizard as powerful as…as….him?"

'Luck and more talented friends' he murmured.

I laughed harshly. 'More talented friends? Granger maybe, but Weasley? That fool Longbottom and the Lovegood weirdo?'

Severus said nothing.

'Well?' I pressed.

'Perhaps…perhaps you're right. For Potter and anyone actively against the Dark Lord. But we're not against him. We do not require such a defense.' He did not look at me. For the first time, he avoided my glare.

'So why are we with him, then? If we change sides, Dumbledore will protect -'

'You are…to kill Dumbledore. You know that' he whispered. 'If you fail to do so, he will kill you and your parents'

I felt my stomach clench and my heart pound.

'Dumbledore -'

'Can't save you now' He snarled viciously. He looked livid, and he turned, stalking away.

Dumbledore can't save me now. I felt like smashing something, like destroying something. Destroying something beautiful, maybe. But there was nothing beautiful. Nothing. I thought of this whole mess I was in and it wasn't my fault, and I found myself thinking about my parents and I resented them for it. Was he making me kill Dumbledore because father had failed him? Father had got me and my mother into his life, I had been born into it. But mothers family thought he…the Dark Lord, had the right idea. Was she conditioned to this life from the very beginning…did she really support him? I thought of the Aunt Andromeda I had never seen and wondered. She had come from these beginnings, a pureblood obsessed family, interested in the Dark Arts and the Dark Lord…but she had left. Mother never spoke of her. I thought of the time I had warned Potter, Granger and Weasley at the Quidditch World Cup. They thought I had been cruel. But I told them the Death Eaters would snatch Granger. Why did father join him again as soon as he returned?

_I_ had no choice and I never had.


	2. No Mask

_Chapter 2: No Mask_

When I opened my eyes, it was with a gasp. I had dreamed he was torturing me with Crucio. He had killed mother and father, and I looked into mothers face. Tear stained and white. His laughter was not the joyous kind, to hear it, would send a jolt in your stomach and make your skin crawl. I tried to scream, but no sound came out.

My eyes met Pansy's, who I believed, to be my only friend.

'So, what happened to you?'

'Potter' I spat.

'Oh…' why did she seem unconcerned?

'You are still going to carry out the task, aren't you?' she seethed. Her dark eyes were narrowed at me in suspicion.

'I - I can't'

'Why not? What happened to the proud Draco? The one gloating about it?' Her eyes were piercing me, and yet glaring at the same time. I thought Pansy had come to see me. To see if I was ok.

'I _am_ proud. He chose me.' I snarled. _"And he chose you, not as a gift, but as a curse. How does he expect you, a pathetic coward, to kill Dumbledore?" _A snide voice uttered inside my head.

'You care about the glory it will bring, still?' she pressed.

I do want glory. If I kill him I will become the most glorified Death Eater - above even Severus. Father might finally be pleased and proud of me, too…

At what cost? Do I have it in me to be a murderer? To kill my headmaster? And as much as I hate Potter and the lot of them, I don't want them to be tormented or killed. _"Keep that big bushy head down, Granger"_ I had sneered. Again my mind wheeled back to the Quidditch World Cup, and how the Death Eaters were loose that night…including my father…I can remember the Dark Mark in the sky, how it glowed and shimmered.

She glared at me again, waiting for an answer. I didn't know what to say because one side of me (the side approved by Severus, by mother and father) was gloating and full of pride. And teeming with resentment and hate. But this nagging, whimpering voice told me that no matter what anyone thought, or how nasty had been, and could be, that was not actually _me_. Who am I? I feared I did not know the answer.

'A part of me wants the glory, but-'

'You can't have it both ways. You're either on his side, or their side. You're so two faced, Draco. Come and talk to me when you're ready to be a real man' Pansy spat icily, and stormed out of the hospital wing, leaving me alone. She was right, I was nothing but two faced and I loathed myself for it. The restlessness of my mind kept me awake at night, and when I dreamt, it was only of my fears. Of mother dying. Tear stained and white. I was scattered all over the place, and I wasn't even really trying to kill Dumbledore. The poisoned mead. The necklace. They were deliberate mediocre attempts, and it had come time to choose a face to be.

Madam Pomphrey gave me my last potion before I was able to leave.

'Not a single scar.' Severus said quietly.

'Thanks to you' I mumbled.

'Draco, have you given any thought to the…task? I made the Unbreakable -'

'Well, you were stupid, weren't you?' I hissed. 'Like I said before, it looks like you'll have to break it. I don't want or need your help and I know you're just trying for all the glory.'

His eyes flashed angrily.

'Not this again. I don't care about glory.' he sneered.

'Why are you a Death Eater, then?' I whispered. His pale lips began to shake slightly. 'We reap what we sow' he whispered, so quietly, I barley heard him. Then he left, and I walked out of the hospital wing and made my way to the Slytherin common room. I was welcomed by the spiky black furnishings, the familiar leather black couches and the green skulls lining shelves and leather bound books gracefully placed in their shelves. Heads turned towards me.

'What happened to you?' Zabini boomed.

'Potter cursed me with some sort of spell that slashed at my skin like a sword' I replied and saw Pansy look up, and anger seeped through me at the still unfathomable, uncaring expression. No friends.

'What caused him to do that?' Zabini pressed. I wish he hadn't asked that.

"He - nothing, an argument." I approached Pansy, who had been reading a book on the couch.

'What do you want?' she snapped.

'Just to tell you that I, of course, will be with much devotion, doing the task' She looked elated and I felt suddenly superior and tall again.

"Excellent, Draco. It must have been the knock to the head, or something, leaving you a bit disorientated to voice such an opinion before…'

'Yes, that's right. I'm sure it was.' I sat down beside her. I had to tell someone, and I knew she was my only friend, the only one I could tell.

'Vanishing cabinet?! That is so ingenious, Draco.' A happy flush crossed her cheeks. She looked more alive, more satisfied.

'Not a word to anyone, about anything. Not the Vanishing Cabinets, not Dumbledore, nothing!' I said, remembering with a pang her nonchalance for me.

'I promise, anyway, I don't want to jeopardize what a wonderful thing this is going to be - and what it means for our families, and the Dark Lord.' she replied, with a gleeful expression. I lay my head down in her lap, and she raked her fingers through my hair, a gesture I remembered from the train.

A week had passed since I had been released from the hospital wing and I had finally mended the broken Cabinet. Devastation had plagued me, and I had not been so sure I would be able to but now I felt elation again. I felt like I could really do it, as I passed the castle in a haze, not really seeing the walls, the stairs, or the people. Then I came across the Room of Requirement, and thought hard for the room with the Vanishing Cabinet stored safely inside. A large brass door appeared and my stomach jolted as I entered and saw the bronze coated, Vanishing Cabinet. I crept inside, thinking about my destination, and the Cabinet whooshed downwards and rattled furiously and I felt myself land with a thud. I waited for a moment, breathing heavily. Then I slid the door open slightly and glee overwhelmed me as I saw Borgin at his counter, talking to a customer. I slid back inside and felt that familiar whoosh and rattling of the cabinet, and I was instantly back in the Room of Requirement. I leapt out, and I could not contain myself. I whooped and jumped in the air, a grin plastered on my face and I laughed ecstatically. I felt manic, and I whooped again, and again. I knew now, that it could be done. Pansy was right, this idea had been ingenious and I had accomplished it! Dumbledore, that old fool, wouldn't have a clue. I would be able to bring the Death Eaters in and infiltrate the castle…I _can_ do it, I had thought. I will be rewarded more than any other…I will be glorified, I will become his most faithful and devoted…most talented…when not even _he_ had managed to kill Dumbledore, I would have.

A strange thought crept into my mind. "_Maybe one day you will be even more powerful than him!"_

I shook my head, and the grin remained, with my eyes wild.

I left the Room of Requirement with what I can only describe as intense power and superiority running through me and I loved this feeling. At this point, I didn't care how ruthless what I would accomplish was. This feeling was much better than the Draco I had been. The cowering, whimpering, crying, Draco. The one that cried in the bathroom to a stupid ghost, who seemed like she actually cared for me. How insufferable. I laughed to myself emptily. As I marched down the corridors, I realized it was late. Moments before students had glided past me in my dazed awareness as I made my way to the Room of Requirement. But they were gone, and the castle was virtually empty, and the silence was rather deafening. Had I been gone that long? My journey to Borgin and Burkes had been very quick, but with a frown, I realized what had taken so long was my moments of elation. Had I been in there, laughing and whooping like a psycho all that time? I needed to act more serious. So I plastered a more self-important and serious face…or mask…onto my face.

To my intense irritation I saw Severus…Snape…gliding towards me and when he saw me his face became etched in surprise.

'You look odd' he simply said as he came to a stop in front of me. I raised my eyebrows at him. Well, call me odd, but that was an odd thing for him to say. He never spoke like that.

'Pardon?' I jeered.

'I saw you when I was at the end of the corridor' he said in a low voice. 'Your face…had the most manic, unruly, expression I've ever seen. Are you quite alight? And then it changed into…that of a very serious expression.' he went on, looking at me curiously.

I decided to walk, and yet the persistent nuisance followed.

'Quite remarkable, _sir_. But you don't need to constantly analyze every expression I wear'

'Part of my job is about reading people.' he said silkily. 'So, would you care to tell me what got you so excited?' he asked, smirking. Only with Snape could a simple sequence of words sound so much like an innuendo. But I decided to tell him because I wanted to wipe that smirk off his face, and I wanted him to realise that I was capable, after all.

I did like him, he was fathers old friend. I suppose with those you like you also loathe. Mother had once told me that love was easy to mistake for loathing, but I didn't love him. Then again, who had I loved? Maybe he had been my only real, genuine, friend. I shook my head at the thought. Mother could sometimes be a hypocrite. Mistaking love for loathing? How she loathed her sister, Andromeda, and she could not have loved her. Not that filthy blood traitor.

My mind had wandered. I now saw that we were outside of the castle, standing upon the stairs to the entrance doors.

'What are we doing outside?' I asked, frowning.

'I don't want to be heard. Now, tell me, what were you doing? You certainly looked the happiest - and craziest, I have ever seen of you.'

'I fixed a Vanishing Cabinet. The other one is at Borgin and Burkes and I tested them out. They work. We can transport the Death Eaters into the castle, right under Dumbledore's nose!' I laughed.

'You thought of that, all by yourself?' he questioned.

'Yes.' I snapped. 'I'm not stupid, you know.'

'I'm quite aware of that. I shall inform the Dark Lord, Draco. You have done well. The Death Eaters will arrive and we will corner Dumbledore…' he whispered.

'Is it hard?' I suddenly asked. He stared, blankly.

'You know, pretending to Dumbledore, you're on his side? The great act?' I don't think I would have been capable of it.

'Not at all. I close my mind, my emotions…'

'And yet he still trusts you? How did you get him to trust you? I mean, not even the Dark Lord has…conquered Dumbledore.' I asked, with a burning need to know. I wished I was capable of fooling people so brilliantly.

'I - I just spun him a tale. I pretended to be in great remorse' he replied, but he had a far away look about him. He was looking at the tree, the one by the lake, as if someone were there.

'Sir?' I asked, raising my eyebrows and shifting my weight. After a few moments his gaze returned to me.

'I still don't get it. Dumbledore believed you just because you proclaimed to be sorry? Didn't he need something that settled it beyond doubt in his mind? Sir?' I pressed. I knew I was reading things wrong, however. After all, I had failed to realize that we had walked outside and onto the stairs. I glanced up at the sky and saw a full moon, and I sat on a stair and decided to lie back, glancing at the many stars in the galaxy. As soon as my elation had come, it had vanished. It had disappeared as soon as I saw that snarky git, actually. As soon as the words _'Not even the Dark Lord has conquered _Dumbledore' slipped from my lips did I realise what I had said. The Dark Lord has never been able to kill him, and I thought I could? I was a sixteen year old, conflicted, useless, idiot. No…no…I had fixed the vanishing cabinet, and I was skilled…I was capable, I was brilliant. I was ingenious, as Pansy had said. But the Dark Lord was more skilled, capable, brilliant and ingenious than I, and not even he had managed such a task. I sat up and put my cold hands in my head, covering my eyes, knowing that Severus has snapped out of his strange daze and was now looking at me in concern. More than anything, I hated that I had slipped from such smugness, and confidence to the spineless, whimpering, maggot, that I hated. _"Spineless maggot"_

I stood up abruptly and stalked back into the castle. I heard Snape's voice uttering 'Draco, come back here!' but I didn't care. I ran into the boys bathroom. The place that I had been so sad, the place that I had cried in. The place where she had tried to help, tried to understand. She had told me not to cry, but I was not crying. I was not sad. A hate that is hard to describe had begun to overwhelm me again, twisted with rage, fury, hatred at everything and mostly me, mingled with a my shattered self esteem and my broken mind, I feel her presence again and out of the corner of my eye I saw her lingering in the background. But she said nothing. I glared at my reflection in the mirror and screamed in fury. The capricious little fool, staring back at me, was the part of me that smug, confident, assured man had been scared would come back all too soon. But I looked closer, into my gray eyes and found that, the smug individual was still there. And I hated him too. Maybe as much as I hated scared, worthless, Draco. I couldn't stand it, that scowling reflection and I punched the mirror, feeling the mirror pieces that shattered into millions of tiny pieces pierce through my skin, and I gaped. Blood was etched all through my palm and I laughed, a hollow laugh. Not a happy one, and not a cruel one like the Dark Lord's in my dream. Not a laugh that made your skin crawl, I knew this laugh was one of desperation. I turned away from the broken mirror and saw her, Myrtle, staring at me.

'Please, don't…please, it will be ok. Why did you do that?'

'I didn't like what I saw' I replied simply.

'What did you see?' she asked.

'A spineless, worthless, nobody'

'I think you're a very sensitive person, and I think your very strong.' I managed a weak smile but what she said, kept me awake that night, as I tossed and turned endlessly. My face…that reflection…that mask. Who had been the real face, the real me? Who had been the mask? And it hit me, as I forced shut my eyes and tried to envision calm oceans to send me to sleep, that I had no mask. Severus wore masks to hide his true side, his gentle side, the side he would most definitely not want the Dark Lord to see. Not me. I had two faces and not once of them was a mask.

"…_and I think you're very strong" _the strangely soothing, babyish voice uttered, into my mind, as half formed images of a blurry nature appeared and I wished I could stop it, but I couldn't…and the image of my parents dead at his feet seeped into my mind and I groaned into my pillow. I would not be dreaming about calming perpetual oceans.


	3. No Killer Within

_Chapter 3: No Killer Within _

'You have to get over yourself and your brazen emotions, Draco' Snape sneered the following morning, when he made me stay behind in Defense Against the Dark Arts. 'What do you know?'

'I know why you took of last night and I know that you had a…' his lip curled, 'bit of a commotion in there.'

He had heard me? Seen me? I felt my face flush.

'Indeed. After your abrupt delight about the Vanishing Cabinet, what caused you to fall desperate?'

I stood up and the desk creaked beneath me.

'I realized I couldn't kill Dumbledore, he hasn't…'

'Just because the Dark Lord has failed to so doesn't mean you will' he replied lazily and then gestured me away dismissively with his hand.

I left. And I knew what I had to do. Time was making a fool of me. I would attempt my mission.

Once the sun had completely sunk, I knew it wouldn't be long. I felt my stomach clench and when I saw Severus standing at the door of the common room I felt uneasy, my hands clammy and I had to remind myself of what I had accomplished. I and I alone had fixed the vanishing cabinet. I had put Rosemerta under the Imperious Curse and I had even taken the Mudblood Granger's enchanted coin idea and used it to my advantage. Dumbledore was a senile old fool and I would succeed.

'Are you ready?' he asked hollowly.

'Of course' By now the Death Eaters would have received the message that the it was time. Time to kill Dumbledore. No feeble attempts, no crying to ghosts and no smashing mirrors and screaming. The scene would unfold for everyone to see, and with a sudden jubilation, I realized, I did have power. People would fear me for it.

I reached the Astronomy Tower where it was set to happen, where the Dark Mark was now shimmering above, silky and daunting in the sky. I suddenly realized that Severus was not with me. Had the coward slunk out of action, again? I gritted my teeth angrily. At least, the Dark Lord, would know who his truly loyal and faithful were.

With shock and hilarity I saw Dumbledore, and he looked wearier than I had ever seen him. He looked weak. I yelled _'Expelliarmus!' _and his wand flew away. I had made Dumbledore wandless! Me!

The fool collapsed, still standing, against the ramparts and to my complete horror and confusion, he said 'Good evening, Draco.'

I stepped forwards quickly and shifted my gaze around me and we were quite alone. I saw with suspicion a second broom. I narrowed my eyes at the old man.

'Who else is here?'

'A question I might ask you. Or are you acting alone?' Was I acting alone? I didn't know. I thought Severus was coming, but the coward had disappeared. Yes…I and I alone was meant to kill Dumbledore, even though the Death Eaters were nearby as my back-up.

'No,' I replied. 'I've got back-up. There are Death Eaters here in your school tonight.'

'Well, well,' he replied softly. 'Very good indeed. You found a way to let them in, did you?' I felt my confidence increase. I felt, strangely, like the old fool was praising me.

'Yeah,' I panted. 'Right under your nose and you never realised!'

'Ingenious' The fact that what I had accomplished really was ingenious intensified. Not only had Pansy said it…but he had. 'Yet…forgive me…where are they now? You seem unsupported.'

Tool, I thought. He thought he knew about everyone…he thought he knew so much and he even thought Severus was working for him. He was no genius, he was a complete tool, duped by us all.

'They met some of your guard. They're having a fight down below. They won't be long…I came on ahead. I - I've got a job to do' I said, suddenly feeling unsure of myself again.

'Well, then, you must get on and do it, my dear boy,' he replied very softly and I gaped at him. Then he smiled at me and I felt my heart thump wildly in my chest.

'Draco, Draco, you are not a killer.' Such certainly on his old face…

'How do you know?' I shot back, and I almost needed to know…but as I heard my words swallowed in silence I felt my face flush, realizing how stupid I had sounded.

'You don't know what I'm capable of,' I growled. 'you don't know what I've done!' Ha. No…that old man didn't have an inkling, did he?

'Oh, yes, I do,' he replied and I was annoyed to see a twinkle in his eyes, despite his fatigue and weakness. 'you almost killed Katie Bell and Ronald Weasley. You have been trying, with increasing desperation, to kill me all year. Forgive me, Draco, but they have been feeble attempts…so feeble, to be honest, that I wonder whether your heart has been really in it…' Anger rose intensely inside me.

'It has been in it! I've been working on it all year, and tonight-' I stopped. I heard a shrieking scream and inwardly winced, hoping it wasn't someone I…no, not even liked…I hoped it wasn't anyone I knew. Except maybe Potter or Weasley, I wouldn't have minded if they got hurt.

'Somebody is putting up a good fight,' he said lightly. 'But you were saying…yes, you have managed to introduce Death Eaters into my school which, I admit, I thought impossible…how did you do it?'

I stood rigid and continued to listen to the screams echoing in my ear. It made my stomach jolt and I became increasingly worried that the rest of them would never come…

'Perhaps you ought to get on with the job alone,' I suddenly heard him say over the fighting below. 'What if your back-up has been thwarted by my guard? As you have perhaps realised, there are members of the Order of the Phoenix here tonight, too. And after all, you don't really need help…I have no wand at the moment…I cannot defend myself.' I could only stare at him. He was right. He was defenseless.

'I see,' he continued, 'you are afraid to act until they join you.'

'I'm not afraid!' I spat angrily. There was nothing to be afraid of, not this. Not anymore. Not after what I had accomplished, and how hard I had worked all year to get to this point.

'It's you who should be scared!'

'But why? I don't think you will kill me, Draco. Killing is not nearly as easy as the innocent believe…so tell me, while we wait for your friends…how did you smuggle them in here? It seems to have taken you a long time to work out how to do it.'

My palms felt more clammy and the clenching of my stomach deepened. My heart beat so furiously I was sure it was trying to escape. I pointed my wand at him and stared at him in loathing, hoping he would stop looking so…unafraid. I took deep breathes to calm myself. 'I had to mend that broken Vanishing Cabinet that no one's used in years. The one that Montague got lost in.'

His face collapsed.

'Aaaah.' His eyes closed for the briefest of moments. I had shocked him. It seemed no one, not even him, had noticed my ability.

'That was clever…there is a pair, I take it?' I felt increasingly pleased with myself.

'The other's in Borgin and Burkes and they make a kind of passage between them. Montague told me that when he was stuck in the Hogwarts one, he was trapped in limbo but sometimes he could hear what was going on at school, and sometimes what was going on in the shop, as if the Cabinet was travelling between them, but he couldn't make anyone hear him…in the end he managed to Apparate out, even though he'd never passed his test. He nearly died doing it. Everyone thought it was a really good story, but I was the only one who realised what it meant - even Borgin didn't know - I was the one who realised there could be a way into Hogwarts through the Cabinets if I fixed the broken one.' Why was I explaining this to him? A long winded speech. No one had offered their recognition of what I had achieved and yet he had praised me and I felt an insatiable need to say more, to express my brilliance, to hear more eulogize. I became aware of how very naked my face was. No longer were my eyes glaring at him. They weren't narrowed in hatred nor gleaming in the prospect of what I had come to do. Kill, murder, dispose of Albus Dumbledore.

'Very good.' he praised. 'So the Death Eaters were able to pass from Borgin and Burkes into the school to help you…a clever plan, a very clever plan…and, as you say, right under my nose…'

I felt my unquenchable need for praise filled completely.

'Yeah. Yeah, it was!' I said, feeling both comfort and courage rise.

'But there were times, weren't there, when you were not sure you would succeed in mending the Cabinet? And you resorted to crude and badly judged measures such as sending me a cursed necklace that was bound to reach the wrong hands…poisoning mead there was only the slightest chance I may drink…'

'Yeah, well, you still didn't realise who was behind that stuff, did you?' I sneered, my face twisting back to its original expression. No more nakedness.

'As a matter of fact, I did. I was sure it was you.' Oh, he was sure was he?

'Why didn't you stop me, then?'

'I tried, Draco. Professor Snape has been keeping watch over you on my orders-'

'He hasn't been doing your orders, he promised my mother-'

'Of course that is what he would tell you, Draco, but-' I felt like laughing, but I knew it would not be a pleasant laugh and it was not an expression of hilarity I wished to voice. I had thought Dumbledore, the wise, intelligent, Dumbledore, was a crack-pot old fool. I had battled this evaluation throughout the entire year. The Dark Lord had not beaten him and he could not, therefore, be a fool.

Now I knew he was.

Everybody had a view of Dumbledore that was seen through rose coloured glasses. He was the supreme idol, the perceptive genius, the brave, courageous, wise counsel…but he was a man, too. My teenage self, however, saw a man losing his grip on reality, a man who thought Severus Snape was his most trusted…most loyal. It was ludicrous.

'He's a double-agent, you stupid old man, he isn't working for you, you just think he is!'

'We must agree to differ on that, Draco. It so happens that I trust Professor Snape-'

'Well, you're losing your grip then!' I spat. I felt rage rise in me and at the time, I couldn't place why. I only felt it and thought nothing of it. Now, I realise, I felt angry at Snape for betraying Dumbledore, even though I felt angry at Dumbledore, at myself…

'He's been offering me plenty of help - wanting all the glory for himself - wanting a bit of the action - "What are you doing? Did the do the necklace? That was stupid, it could have blown everything-" I told him what I've been doing in the Room of Requirement and he was pleased! Why would he be pleased if he wasn't actually working for him? He's going to wake up tomorrow and it'll all be over and he won't be the Dark Lord's favourite anymore, he'll be nothing, nothing compared to me, nothing!' I ranted feeling that manic ecstatic satisfaction rush through me like a raging volcano. It completely took over me in that instant. I pondered on my words. I would be the Dark Lords favourite and he would be nothing. He would be long forgotten and left to stand in the shadows while I basked in my glory. The temptation was almost mouth watering.

'Very gratifying. We all like to appreciation for our hard work, of course…' Yes! My mind screamed. Could he read me that well? Did my face have 'Desire to be appreciated' written all over it, or did Dumbledore simply mean in general?

'…but you must have had an accomplice, all the same…someone in Hogsmeade, someone who was able to slip Katie the - the - aaaah…' He closed his eyes again and nodded.

'…of course…Rosmerta. How long has she been under the Imperius Curse?' I was astonished but I hid it well. Instead I plastered a snarl on my face.

'Got there at last, have you?' but then I heard another shrieking yell from below and I looked over my shoulder, wondering…

'So poor Rosmerta was forced to lurk in her own bathroom and pass that necklace to any Hogwarts student who entered the room unaccompanied? And the poisoned mead…well, naturally, Rosmerta was able to poison it for you before she sent the bottle to Slughorn, believing that it was to be my Christmas present…yes, very neat…very neat…poor Mr Filch would not, of course, think to check a bottle of Rosmerta's…tell me, how have you been communicating with Rosmerta? I thought we had all methods of communication in and out of the school monitored.' Yes, very neat. My mind whirled. Another scream, ear piercing. I pretended to not hear it.

'Enchanted coins' I said, compelled to tell Dumbledore everything. _"Spineless Maggot" _the sneering, slinky, voice said for the second time in my life. My heart thundered. It was the part of me that thought I was trying to delay my mission and even though I glared and replied nastily, my wand shook uncontrollably in my clammy hand. 'I had one and she had the other and I could send her messages-'

'Isn't that the secret method of communication the group that called themselves Dumbledore's Army used last year?' he asked conversationally, lightly, as if he didn't care that I was about to kill him…

'Yeah, I got the idea for them,' I felt my smile twist and the little snide voice in my head approve. 'I got the idea of poisoning the mead from the Mudblood Granger, as well; I head her talking in the library about Filch not recognising potions…'

'Please do not use that offensive word in front of me,' Dumbledore said and I laughed harshly. It was a crude laugh even to my ears.

'You care about me saying "Mudblood" when I'm about to kill you?"

"Yes, I do,'

He wasn't tall and imposing and in the least bit threatening to me. He was weak, powerless and he was struggling to not slouch. 'But as for being about to kill me, Draco, you have had several long minutes now. We are quite alone. I am more defenceless than you can have dreamed of finding me, and still you have not acted…' _"Exactly, you idiot. Worthless. Why haven't you killed him? You have had every opportunity. Pathetic.' _

'Now, about tonight,' he went on, 'I am a little puzzled about how it happened…you knew that I had left the school? But of course,' The answer had been on the tip of my tongue, eagerly ready to keep on stalling.

'Rosmerta saw me leaving, she tipped you off using your ingenious coins, I'm sure…'

'That's right. But she said you were just going for a drink, you'd be back…' He hadn't come back and I had become momentarily mystified and tangled with nerves because tonight would be the night, and Dumbledore needed to be lured here.

'Well, I certainly did have a drink…and I came back…after a fashion. So you decided to spring a trap for me?'

'We decided to put the Dark Mark over the Tower and get you to hurry up over here, to see who'd been killed. And it worked!' He had his time and my mind had fleetingly wondered what was making him take his time, but the Dark Mark…oh yes…it lured the tool to his death trap.

'Well…yes and no…but I am to take it, then, that nobody has been murdered?' Was that concern in his eyes? Ha.

'Someone's dead. One of your people…I don't know who, it was dark…I stepped over a body…I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way…' Scathingly, I remembered dear cousin Nymphadora. Images of what life might have been like in different circumstances whirled forth, of me growing up with the coloured haired witch and knowing who all of my family were. Family meant nothing. That was made abundantly clear to me, as Bellatrix killed her cousin ruefully and my mother never spoke of Andromeda. Family was a label, and your true family were the people you made your family.

'Yes, they do that.'

I heard a bang. I heard shrieks and cries and the shouts were louder, more ear shattering…

'There is little time, one way or another. So let us discuss your options, Draco' I stared at him. He had the audacity to think I had options!

'_My_ options!' I'm standing here with a wand - I'm about to kill you -'

'My dear boy, let us have no more pretense about that. If you were going to kill me you would have done it when you first Disarmed me, you would not have stopped for this pleasant chat about ways and means.'

I suddenly felt hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless.

'I haven't got any options! And I've got to do it! He'll kill me! He'll kill my whole family!' I felt…I was…hysterical.

'I appreciate the difficulty of your position,' he said and he was now peering at me so intensely yet not unkindly that I felt very much under his radar. 'Why else do you think I have not confronted you before now? Because I knew that you would have been murdered if Lord Voldemort realised that I suspected you.' The sound of his name pierced me like a knife. But desperation plagued me.

'I did not dare speak to you of the mission with which I knew you had been entrusted, in case he used Legilimency against you. But now at last we can speak plainly to each other…no harm has been done, you have hurt nobody, through you are very lucky that your intentional victims survived…I can help you, Draco.' He could help me? No one could. I finally saw as I stood before him with the green Dark Mark still glimmering strongly above us that I would not murder Albus Dumbledore. Not because I wouldn't but because I couldn't. I was not a killer, just as Dumbledore had said.

"_Spineless…"_ the voice tried to press but it was strangely weaker…I was resisting. I would not become that person, but no one could help me now, and I would have to run away…but he would find me…and kill me. My heart was beating so fast it was as if it thought it was about to die, and wanted to get its last beasts in before its death.

'No, you can't.' My wand my shaking very badly, I knew. My hand was sweaty and sticky. 'Nobody can. He told me to do it or he'll kill me. I've got no choice.' No choice but to die because I can't kill you.

'Come to the right side, Draco, and we can hide you more completely than you can possibly imagine. What is more, I can send members of the Order to your mother tonight to hide her likewise. Your father is safe at the moment in Azkaban…when the time comes we can protect him too…come over to the right side, Draco…you are not a killer…' I was not a killer. For the first time, someone was offering me a…choice. A real choice. I had felt like I had never had a choice, ever. I was born into this family with a mother from a family obsessed with blood purity and the Dark Lord and a father who was a Death Eater. Had anyone ever said, 'Hey, Draco…come over to our side?' No, they hadn't. But now…Dumbledore was. And the offer was more tempting than anything, I dared to almost kiss freedom with my lips and taste it.

I stared at him. I was still hesitant, and I thought of how far I had come, on my own.

'But I got this far, didn't I? They thought I'd die in the attempt, but I'm here…and you're in my power…I'm the one with the wand…you're at my mercy…'

'No, Draco. It is my mercy, and not yours, that matters now.' I felt my mouth drop and my stomach do a summersault and speech was suddenly inconceivable. To my complete horror I saw Amycus and Alecto before me. They were laughing wheezily and it sickened me.

I stood there paralysed by shock. I knew they were speaking, but it could have been in a different language for I was so wrapped up in my mixture of feelings. My shock, my disgust…everything he had said to me kept repeating in my head, over and over again. He could hide and mother…I would not die. His offer lingered before me, utterly tantalizing but desperation was still all that consumed. If the Order had won, I knew I would have become a turncoat to the Death Eaters and Snape and the Dark Lord…but mother and I would be alive. That was a fantasy that would never come true. The Death Eaters had won and I glanced at the Dark Mark in the sky, and it's looming aura of terror.

_Reducto! REDUCTO!' _and a voice rasped 'Now, Draco, quickly!' but my wand shook so pitifully badly.

'I said no! the voice shouted again as Greyback looked about to pounce on Dumbledore and I looked at him the frail, defeated, old man with wide eyes. Greyback was flown out of the way.

Someone was speaking to me but I was frozen. The door to the ramparts swung open and Snape appeared, and I feared the worst. Snape would kill Dumbledore and he would get the glory…and the Dark Lord would kill me for my failure. He was merciless and yet Dumbledore, about to die, was merciful. It was twisted. I was twisted, we all were and it was a twisted, obscure world.

'Severus…' Dumbledore unexpectedly spoke, very softly but clearly and the Carrows rasping ceased, Greyback's huffing and heavy breathing quietened. Silence filled the tower like a climatic conclusion to a play or a story. But this was no play or story. This was hideously real. Snape walked towards me, pushed me roughly out the way.

'Severus…please…'

It was absurd. I had deluded myself into thinking I would kill Dumbledore, who was I to feel ashamed?

But I did feel ashamed and I did feel conflicted. Dumbledore didn't plead. Dumbledore didn't grovel. Did he?

'_Avada Kedavra' _the very green light I hadn't been able to produce zoomed out of Snape's wand and hit Dumbledore's chest and he crumpled in that very instant, felt backwards and out of sight. Dumbledore was dead.

Adrenalin ran though me furiously and my head hurt. My heart pounded and my stomach jolted uncomfortably. My hands were tingly and my body was riddled with nerves. There was no time to think about it, though. I was yanked by Snape and together we ran for our very lives in a heated flurry. The people who dwelt here, against the Dark Lord, were skilled and talented. And when they discovered their beloved headmaster was dead, they would become incredibly more skilled and talented and if they cornered us, they would have no mercy on us. They would be overcome with an explosive mixture of raw sadness and blazing hot fury.

We ran like we had never run before and I hazily thought how hilarious it would once have seemed for composed Snape to run this hard…it was a startling realization, even to me, that warm blood ran through his veins and his own heart was pumping harder than ever…adrenalin surged through even him. I shook my head and decided to not think about anything and only focus on the pounding of my feet and the determination to run faster, as we pelted down the staircase and sped towards the doors and into the grounds. It was night time, I knew that much, because it was black out but this time I didn't bother glancing up to see if there were stars or a moon out. What a ridiculous notion to even consider.

I followed after Snape in a flurry, worried that I would lose him. I heard '_Stupefy!' _being shouted by the voice none other than Saint Potter and I craned my head, to find, sure enough, Potter hot on our tail. Panic shot through me and I knew the same panic was pounding through Snape because he shouted in a uncharacteristically shrill voice, '_Run, Draco!' _I ran, and I didn't look back but I knew Snape was now cornered by Potter. My legs pounded the ground and the further I got, the more I wondered if Snape would be make it.

_Of course, he will. He's not the Dark Lord's favourite for no reason. He just killed Dumbledore. His ability is unquestionable…"_

But then I thought about Potter and despite my hatred of him, I knew he was also very able and very upset above his beloved Dumbledore's death… of course, it would be an explosive mixture, especially from Potter…

I gulped. But Snape knew magic that not even the Dark Lord knew…and yet, the Dark Lord had not only been unable to kill Dumbledore, he had been unable to kill Potter, as a mere baby, too. Why?

I stopped for a moment and turned around. Potter was throwing jinxes at Snape who, with absurd ease, kept throwing them off. Snape would make it here, so I sprinted onwards towards the exists and finally made it. I waited for Snape outside the colossal rustic gates overlooking the rocky edges and the Great Lake and I panted and clutched the gates for support, heart still thumping. I gaped for oxygen as if I had run around the Quidditch Pitch on a brisk morning and closed my eyes with my head resting on the cold gate. _"You are not a killer, Draco" _consumed by head and images flickered in my mind of Dumbledore's last moments and even the intense peering of his eyes. I saw his eyes inside my head. And it unnerved me.

I opened my eyes and I gasped as if I had woken up from a nightmare to have the Dark Lord hovering beside my bed. Snape was on the other side of the fence, gasping for breath as hard as I had been.

'Was…Potter…very…upset?' I panted.

'Of…of course he was. I killed his…his mentor. His precious Dumbledore' he replied and walked to the other side of the gate, shutting in gently and it clanged shut.

We both looked at scene from afar together, of a castle…our home, under siege and Hagrid hut on fire and Fang's wails could be heard from here. We apparated and I didn't know if I would ever see Hogwarts, the home we all treasured, ever again. I knew what was waiting at my home, Malfoy Manor, and I wished I had been able to accept Dumbledore's offer to hide mother and me more completely than imaginable. What a tormenting dream. We apparated smack right in the middle of my living room and I felt my stomach twist in disgust at my families living room being used like this…with a huddle of black cloaks circled around the face I had been snake like, candle-wax face I had been dreading. Lips curled into a smirk, and euphoria danced in his red eyes. It happened before I could stop it. _"You are not a killer"_ seared through my mind. Not a killer. Not a killer. I was many things, I was a coward, I was insatiable, I was whimsical and too changeable…I was cruel and I was weak but I was not a killer.

I cleared my head and blocked my mind instantly and although it was a struggle to quench my turbulent emotions, I focused on nothingness and being completely numb and dead inside.

I was cold.


	4. No Mercy

_Chapter 4: No Mercy_

I could not tell who hid under each black cloak and each mask. There were so many of them. The Carrows were not here yet, and I hoped they had been disarmed by the…others. By the Order, by any of the members that were fighting against the man we were all huddled before. He was the king, on fathers' throne, in our Manor. My heart leapt when I saw mother sitting on her velvet emerald chair that was encrusted with emeralds. It was her chair, and I remember how her eyes had swarm with a mixture of danger and grief when the Dark Lord sat upon it.

Even under the Dark Lord's sharp gaze, mother did not control herself. The moment Severus and I appeared; she leapt out of her chair and threw herself on me.

'Oh, Draco…Draco…you're alright! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.' I could feel her shaking, I awkwardly patted her back, very aware of the Dark Lord watching us but when I looked up, I saw that he was not looking at us pitifully, but looking at Severus. Mother then leapt onto Severus more forcibly, her arms around him, gripping him vice-tight. He remained rigid.

'Thank you, Severus.'

To my complete anger and surprise, she then kissed him on the lips, I suppose in a way family and friends do, but as soon as her lips touched his, he pulled his head downwards, face unreadable. I wondered if he felt suddenly aware of every Death Eater here staring at him.

'Cissy, we all know you like to be the centre of attention…but I don't believe the Dark Lord said you could talk.' Bellatrix's voice crept forth like a hissing cobra. I could suddenly tell which Death Eater she was. She was the one standing right beside him on the throne beside our mantelpiece. The chandelier was hanging above where Severus, mother and I stood, so light only danced upon us. They were hidden in the shadows, a mass of black clocked Death Eaters mingled in even more blackness. Mother blushed and left us to join the crowd before the Dark Lord. Even in darkness, I could tell how she felt. Her normally regal and proud stance was slouched and weak.

'That's enough, Bella. She has my pardon, this once. After all, her son survived, she has ever reason to be overjoyed. Severus, come forth. I will deal with Draco in due course.'

During our flee from Hogwarts, I hadn't had time to consider that he might punish me for not fulfilling my task. I knew the horror couldn't be kept off my face and in the same breath, I wondered if they could hear the erratic thumping of my heart. Images of me doubled over in pain from the Crucio invaded my mind. They were the very images from my nightmares of mother's tear streaked face and the Dark Lord's callous laughs as I twitched and suffered on the ground, lying before leering Death Eaters. My eyes refocused and I saw Severus knelt before him. I had not noticed him leave my side, but there he was…and ignoring the every fibre that told me to not come closer, I did. Joining the circle of Death Eaters, I saw that the Dark Lord was looking at Severus like he was a fond pet.

'You have done more for me than any Death Eater before you and you will be rewarded as such. Dumbledore is finally dead.' He said slowly, rising to stand, superior and imposing. Everyone backed away slowly. I took a few steps back, and noticed that Severus was still knelt before him.

'Rise, Severus.' He rose and joined the tangle of Death Eaters. 'Dumbledore is finally dead and Harry Potter's greatest protector…and supporter…is dead!' The Dark Lord laughed harshly and paced slowly. That was the cue for each and every one of us to laugh and hoot with celebration. A weak smile crept onto my face and it felt more forced then any smile I had ever faked. He stood before the one window that took up what would have been an entire wall. Velvet black curtains framed them, and he raked his bone white hand among them as he peered at the meadows below. I derisively wondered if he were to walk among the meadows lavenders would they die. Or would their beauty and scent be too much loveliness for him? He turned the eyes I hated so much back to us and panic flew through me as his eyes rested on mine. No Death Eater dared speak. Dumbledore was dead and this was a distinctly sacred event but he knew every thought running through my mind at this moment. I was terrified and I knew my face and thoughts screamed this to him…to everyone.

'How do you all think I should reward my most faithful, most cherished, Death Eater?' He hissed, and my hands shook with nerves as I saw boisterous thrill spread across his face. I hated to compare us, but I knew…I knew my face had looked like that after I realised the Vanishing Cabinets I fixed were working. My face was not as ruined, as ugly, as his but I had _been_ as ugly. I was skinner, my cheekbones were pointy and gaunt, dark circles rested under my eyes…it did seem that the more involved with Dark Arts you became, the uglier you became, and I wondered what he had looked like before…surely he hadn't always been gruesome, demented, shadowy, melted and white as a skull…surely once, he looked…human. I knew Crabb and Goyal's laughs, deep and ravenous. Bellatrix was cackling and I saw that the Carrows had in fact escaped…and I hadn't even realised they apparated. Their laughs were wheezy. They thought it was funny, did they, that Severus would be getting a reward? My stomach jolted, I realised what kind of reward they meant.

Bellatrix smirked. 'My Lord, I think they think perhaps the perfect reward for _Severus _would be a woman.' I looked at Severus. His composure when with the Dark Lord never slipped and I knew he didn't really have anything to hide, except perhaps the gentler side I had discovered and knew existed somewhere in all of his coldness. He would be basking in the glory that was meant to be mine. I did not feel jealous and yet months ago when we had fought, I had been fuming with resentment. I had told him he wanted to steal my glory…such a prospect back then angered me…and why wasn't he happy about being rewarded? _"Would you be happy to be rewarded so crudely? A sexual offering…degraded? How is that a reward when it is demeaning to Severus? To even you, it is crude…"_

'Would it, now?' The Dark Lord asked, looking at Severus closely.

'Oh, yes. Any man with blood running through his veins would be delighted at such a reward. 'Bellatrix said, smirking. She took her hood off, and the other Death Eaters copied and all the hoods cascaded like dominos. Now I could see her face, her dark eyes glowing happily. I knew she hated Severus and I knew Severus didn't particularly like her, either. After that comment, he probably wanted to throttle her if he wasn't blocking his emotions. I also knew that coming from Bellatrix; this is what she considered punishment for Severus. She knew he would not want such a…offering. And who was the offering? The question lingered in the air.

'What say you, Severus? Refuse if you wish, after all, you are to be my most glorified Death Eater and I know you are…decidedly retained…demure…' The Death Eaters laughed loudly.

'Who is the woman?' was all he asked and it seemed to shock everybody, because their cluttered chatter and laughing died instantly. 'Surely not yourself, Bellatrix. I must confess that I would not find you, particularly, appealing.' His eyes became amused. Bellatrix always prattled on about her relationship with the Dark Lord…about how close they were, and Severus had just insulted her in front of him?

'You insufferable Half-Blood filth!' she yelled, so enraged, she was an inch from him. He merely looked down at her with distaste and glittering, incensed eyes.

'That's enough, Bellatrix! You do not dare insult our most loyal and devoted. Tonight, we celebrate. Dumbledore is dead and not only will Potter not be exposed and weak, so will be his _heart._' He said mockingly, lips twisting and he strolled back to fathers' throne. 'Harry Potter will not be a thorn in my side for much longer, thanks to Severus, so you will not insult him.' The Dark Lord snarled and Bellatrix looked like the dog that had been hit for the first time.

'B-but…my Lord, he doesn't…he doesn't want anybody but Potter's dead mother!' Bellatrix was the defiant dog that got hit for the first time, and a happy flush danced across her cheekbones. Severus wanted Potter's mother? A Mudblood? It did not make sense. Why was Bellatrix resorting to lies? I looked at mother, who had been whiter than I had ever seen her, like in my dreams, and realised with a pang that this entire night was reminiscent of my nightmares. The emotions, the people, my impending punishment…I swallowed nervously and my heart that had slowed to a steady rhythm was now trying to escape my chest again, all because that unpleasant thought had crossed my mind. I was going to be punished…even though Severus had fulfilled the task…was it not enough that the task had been fulfilled? Did it matter that it was not I who fulfilled it? My mind whirled. Severus was standing not far from me, looking at an infuriated Bellatrix with a pleased expression as the silence hung in the air and mother was unreadable and silent. I remembered with a heavy heart and twitching hands that I was meant to pay for the sins of the father. My Death Eater father, and just like Bellatrix, he had failed to get that prophecy. The Dark Lord did not forgive easily. My mind unwillingly zoomed back to Astronomy Tower, where the Dark Mark loomed above mockingly, where I was given a choice. A choice I was sure I was going to accept before Severus killed Dumbledore and as I thought about the penalty, I would surely pay tonight, of me being tortured, I could not help but hate Severus. My chance for protection had been stolen. If he hadn't killed Dumbledore, I would have been hidden with mother. I would have changed sides. I glanced out the far north side window with the single rose engrained within its surface and looked at the fountain that was playing, beyond the hedge.

Dumbledore was merciful and the Dark Lord was merciless. Why would one choose to be on the side of the merciless one? His words drummed through my ears again. _"It is my mercy, and not yours, that matters now." _

My eyes blazed, I was seething beneath my rigid stance and I had been clenching my fists so fiercely, digging my nails into the flesh that blood was seeping…it as only lucky that the Dark Lord was sitting on the throne, gazing at his wand thoughtfully. I closed my eyes and thought of the calming unending oceans, blue as sapphires, serene and completely free and calm…calm…I breathed deeply, and opened my eyes. Severus and Bellatrix had been talking, or more correctly, hissing at one another.

'What do I care if you only desired her, Snape? She was a Mudblood. You are disgraceful! Purity of blood doesn't seem to matter much to you…'

'She was still a woman, Bellatrix. And she was attractive. I desired her once, once a long time ago when I was fresh out of Hogwarts…foolish and ravenous. But Bellatrix, who are you to criticize? Don't you have a certain, blood traitor sister by the name of Andromeda?' he asked, lip curling. I flopped down on a leather armchair, wearily.

'Sister by blood alone, and I have never denied that she is a blood traitor. I hate her! And no Mudblood is attractive, you filthy-aaaaaahhhhhhh'

Bellatrix fell to the floor, writhing in pain. Her limbs twitched and she screamed in agony. Her heavy eyelids were no longer existent because her eyes were so wide from the searing pain that they disappeared. Soon no sound came from her mouth. The Dark Lord's wand was pointed at her from where he sat. He was sipping our finest elf made wine casually.

'I have heard enough.' he said dangerously. 'You are not to insult Severus. He is your superior.'

He lifted the curse and Bellatrix said nothing. Her face was impassive and I looked towards mother to see her reaction to her own sisters' torture. Mother did not look concerned.

'Bella, be of use, and bring the new recruits.' He said silkily and she turned shakily to leave down the narrow and long corridor of green walls lined with family portraits of the Blacks and the Malfoys.

The Dark Lord had new recruits? New Death Eaters? I wondered who…no one spoke. I knew everyone was as confused and as filled with wonder as I was. Two people? People I knew? People I didn't know? My mind spun, turning, imaging various scenarios. I chuckled to myself and Severus snapped his head towards me. I had mockingly imaged the new recruit being one of them…Potter or Longbottom, maybe as traitors. Or maybe someone unexpected like the Weasley snot that worked at the Ministry. I couldn't move…I was too paralysed by shock. His forces were getting stronger and I did not want to be here…if Severus had stalled for perhaps mere moments, mother and I could be hiding in a place unseeable…what might have changed? Would we be allies to the Order…to the likes of Mudbloods and blood traitors? What made their blood so muddy, though? Blood was blood, and you were either magic or you weren't and I would have kissed even Granger on the cheek if that meant I could be anywhere but here. _"Are you turning into a filthy Mudblood lover now? There is no such thing as unpolluted Mudblood blood and blood traitors are just as bad, maggot." _It was too late. My fate had been sealed because I hadn't been offered my option sooner. There was no escaping it.

I raised my head and met his gaze. Severus' back was turned to the Dark Lord and he came closer to me, towering over me like a commanding bat as I cowered in my chair.

'What is it?' I hissed quietly.

Whispering very faintly, he said 'I have fulfilled my promise to Narcissa, but he will-'

'Don't worry, _Professor_, I know you can't say me from the Crucio.' I replied stiffly with all the nonchalance I could muster. One raise of his right eyebrow told me that he knew I was not as nonchalant as I hoped to be portraying. 'It's not important. I can handle it. The question is, can you handle your…reward?' I asked, feeling sick, but keeping a lopsided smile on my face. I was immensely surprised to see a faint pink on his cheeks, because in all the years I had even known him, he had never blushed.

'Of course, not that it is any of your concern.'

'He said you didn't have to accept it…' It was only thanks to the atmosphere of a celebration, with Death Eaters swarming the area, a mixture of deafening and conversation. Elf made wine had gone around many of them. With the mixture of the loudness filling the room and the whispers of our conversation, did I believe that the Dark Lord could not hear us. He was engaged in a conversation with Yaxley, who looked to be squirming.

'Regretfully decline, then, in front of this lot -' Severus begun. The noise died and I could tell Bellatrix was back, with the new Death Eaters. I craned my neck, and sure enough, she was standing with two figures hidden in their cloaks by the other entrance near the mantelpiece. She walked in further and with a curl of her finger, they followed. Was one of these new recruits Severus' reward?

The Dark Lord rose. 'Tonight, we welcome Evelyn Green and Blake Slater. Evelyn is from the ancient bloodline of the Irish, her family, the Greens, is one of the most ancient and unpolluted…Slater's father was Arty Slater, pureblood, also a noble bloodline. Alas, he married a Mudblood. They have proven their alliance, I have seen their minds…Bella, of course, is fond of Evelyn for her purity…she will, after all, make a perfect reward for Severus. However, the greatest reward for you, Severus, is knowing that you are my most perfect Death Eater and being treated as such.' He looked at Severus, raised his glass and drained it. 'Evelyn, Slater, lower your hoods.' The Dark Lord continued, hissing and as I looked at him with fear and curiosity, I took in his snake-like face…his slits for nostrils, he was very much the python and Bellatrix was the cobra.

We watched in anticipation. I could not tell what Blake Slater looked like because when she…a definite woman, lowered her hood, it was like a river at midnight, a black ripple, with her jet-black hair falling amongst the ripples, gleaming. Her eyes were surprisingly innocent, and childlike, round and blue like oceans. But there was a familiar gleam and greediness to them. If her eyes were childlike, then they were the eyes of the most spoilt, arrogant, and malevolent child. Her lips were curved and heart shaped, coated in blood red and her skin was white like snow. I looked at the likes of Nott, Crabbe and Goyal…who were gaping at her and then I heard a wolf whistle. She had the nerve to glower at them with revulsion. Severus was beside me and I sensed his more abrupt rigidness. He was looking at her and with distraction…the mask had slipped. He turned his eyes to me and sneered…fixing it perfectly back on. I looked at this Slater who was tall and gangly, with lank black hair fixed in a ponytail. He had searing green eyes, the type that reminds you of eyes that could burn through you.

Mother stood up and moved to sit on the armchair beside me with a glass of wine in her hand; she drained it, eyes ablaze. She turned her face to me, and it shocked me to the bone. She was deranged, desperate, apologetic…and she did not dare say a word, except grasp my hand for a moment. Her hand was ice cold. I noticed with a sinking feeling that had smudge marks on them like that of ink and she no longer wore her diamonds or expensive jewellery…only her wedding band. Her hands use to be so polished and neat and now her nails were long and uneven. I had not been able to look at mother properly, but now I saw; now I noticed…she had split ends and flyways in her usually groomed hair. Her face was oily. Washed out and broken. I squeezed her hand back and then drew it away, rubbing at my tired eyes. Slater had been speaking. I tried to pay attention.

'I've believed in this cause my entire life because it is the one way to prune the bloodlines. I confess I'm a Half-Blood, but I poisoned my filthy muggle father and he fell to the ground, where he belonged.' Slater was saying, with a grainy, rough voice. Severus had a deep scowl on his face and it made me feel like laughing.

'When I invaded their minds I saw their hunger for power and their desires to have every Mudblood and blood traitor pruned out…' The Dark Lord purred. 'Slater's memory of killing his foul muggle father with such ease impressed me greatly, and I think you will all agree that these new additions are going to make promising Death Eaters. I believe in power of numbers. Evelyn, you may speak.' He said, with a gesture to Slater to cease talking and I saw him being instantly accepted by the Death Eaters here tonight. Mother and I continued to sit, Severus continued to stand tightly yet impressively like a Greek statue and all the while, I felt on edge, as if I could be very sick at any moment just from nerves alone. The strange offhand attitude he was imposing was peculiar. I felt like he was going to inflict something truly horrible among us when we least expected it. I wrung my hands together, not surprised by the clamminess.

This Evelyn woman slunk forward, distancing herself from the black mesh of Death Eaters.

'You're a very brutish looking man, aren't you? I noticed you were glaring at Mr Slater, then I, and then Severus Snape over there…' Severus' head shot up. I took note of the richness and yet coldness of her voice. Like a vain voice that carries, laced in frostiness. I still could not believe that two new people, mere strangers, had joined. Obviously, The Dark Lord had tested them…looked into their minds and seen if they were sincere, so then, why was Severus looking at them with suspicion in his eyes? There was an air of excitement around the rest of the Death Eaters. Crabbe and Goyal could not contain their enthusiasm, as they watched with stupid grins. 'Now, why is that? Are you very jealous?' she continued.

'Jealous? N-no, why would I be?' he snapped.

'Oh, jealous that he killed Dumbledore, and not you. He's now the number one Death Eater…'

'I'm not jealous! I'm happy that old fool is finally dead.' Yaxley said, trying to sound smooth but his face was too impassive…and his eyes were too hard, just as the vein was sticking out of his neck a little too visibly.

Severus looked satisfied. I felt like I was going to collapse and my head felt dizzy. The feeling of sprinting for my life and the fear streaming through me as I escaped Hogwarts hadn't left me…Hagrid's hut burning…students screaming and Hogwarts battling Death Eaters as we fled, did not leave my mind and in my vision I looked at the castle, feeling a very real and distinct nostalgia. I wondered if I would ever walk through those castle gates again…would I see the Great Hall, the enchanted ceiling with red and yellow leaves, splattering rain, crisp snow and fluffy white clouds as well a sparkling stars? I missed the smell of the library and I suddenly thought about Quidditch and what it felt like to speed along the pitch, soaring through the air and feeling the breeze on my face. I missed the smell of the lawns.

'You look very forlorn.' she said, walking towards me and I adverted my eyes but I knew she was searing into me with her deceivingly innocent eyes. 'In fact, neither does your mother. You look not only anxious, dear, but you look a little worse for wear. It is surprising that a woman who owns such a Manor has the audacity to wear such crinkled attire and not brush her hair…and look at those smudge marks! What angers me most, Narcissa, is that neither you nor you son look happy. You should be ecstatic. Tonight a great victory has been won.' She spoke of audacity…she had the audacity to come into our home and talk to my mother like that? I felt like strangling her, like cursing her…like muttering Serpensortia and setting a snake on her.

'Mr Malfoy, if you need to be sick, please leave the vicinity.' she continued, looking at me with distaste. I looked at mother, who was glaring at this woman coldly. She did not speak, but she looked like she might like to punch her in the face. I wondered how the Dark Lord did not mind that she was talking to us in such a manner…only because, surely only he was permitted to. He must not have been outraged, but I didn't know…I didn't want to look at his inhuman face and be reminded of my nightmares, and of the torture I knew was coming. He did not object, so I rushed out of the room, shut the door behind me, and sprinted down the hallway. I halted, leaning against the wall, breathing heavily. I was shaking with anger. I closed my eyes and focused on even, steady breaths and within minutes I did not feel sick anymore…but the strong desire to run away took me. I wondered if I could get my belongings and apparate away…and hide myself…where would I go? I felt crushed, realising that I knew no one else. I heard the door creak at the long end of the hallway…the door opened, I could hear booming laughter. Two pairs of footsteps clunked against the polished wooden floors and I remained stiff against the wall. To my horror, I saw that horrible Evelyn woman stalk down the hallway, clutching someone's hand…a man it looked like, who had the stance of reluctance about him and with a severe pang, I saw that it was Severus walking behind her. Being led.

Who was this woman? Who was this Slater man? Why was Severus accepting this reward?

'Why so anxious, Mr Malfoy? At least you do not look sick anymore. Why don't you run along back to your mother?' she asked, talking to me in the same tone you would talk to a three-year old with. I looked at her, expressionless.

'Severus, wh-'

'Go back to your mother, Draco…' Severus said and I saw he was taking advantage of the fact she was looking at me and not him, and he expressed something honest. Fear and complete uncertainly ghosted his features, a sadness and vulnerability was there and he was biting his thin lip…he was also trying to tell me something…and I saw warning on his face. Then I switched my eyes back to her perfectly symmetrical face, and even though she had beautiful features, I felt my blood run cold looking at her. She had a delighted expression on her face. From the delight on her face and the warning on Severus', I knew what was waiting for me in my families lounge. And it wasn't going to be delightful.

'Come, Severus'

They walked away, around the corner and out of sight. I took a deep breath, and walked onwards, heart hammering wildly. I should apparate, run away, and never return…I should…I could…but I thought of mother, and all determination to defy sunk like a stone being chucked forcibly into a chaotic river.

I took a deep breath and then turned the brass doorknob. The Death Eaters were silent. I looked at Nott, he had glee dancing on his face and Yaxley was sitting before the Dark Lord looking pompous and important. Bellatrix was kneeling before the Dark Lord, tears welling in her eyes just because he was grasping her hand.

'Welcome back, Draco. I trust that you feel better? Since Severus has accepted his reward…' He trailed off, to let the Death Eaters snort and snigger and I took the opportunity to look at mother. She did not look concerned or worried for me and fury filled me…she was looking at the door the Evelyn woman and Severus had left through with an upset expression. _"Of course she would care. She obviously doesn't know. After all, she cared enough to make Severus take the Unbreakable Vow…"_

'Since his award has been accepted, it is time to punish you, Draco, for not fulfilling the task I requested of you…even though it has been fulfilled, and this is a cause for celebration, you must learn that those who defy the Dark Lord get punished…I do not forgive. I command and-'

'NO! NOT DRACO! No…please…no.' Mother cried, and had leapt off the leather armchair and was gripping his arm. 'Please, don't…please…I beg you.' So many tears streamed down her face that I could not look at her. With a lazy flick of his wand, he flew mother onto her emerald chair and she tried to dive off again, but couldn't. He had immobilized her, and she was clawing at the air, gasping and shuddering, trying to escape. She was imprisoned on her precious chair.

'Do not challenge me, Narcissa. Learn your place. If you did not want your son to be set on dangerous tasks, or to suffer the extent of my displeasure, then you should not have allowed him to be born into this life. Perhaps, you should have joined your blood traitor sister, no?'

Mother looked as if she was trying to scream, but no sound came out. Her attempts to free herself were pointless; I don't know why she bothered trying. The worst thing that night happened. He walked to me, closer and closer…closer…and I felt the sense of déjà vu…this was from my nightmare. His face was inches from mine, and I could feel his coldness. He reminded me of a well kept for, living corpse. I hazily thought of my wand…what would any of the others do? What would Potter do? He would defend himself. I needed my wand, and I was going to reach for my wand, even with my eyes fearful and my legs about to buckle.

'Give me your wand, Draco.' He said calmly and quietly. My heart sunk. I reached for my wand inside my clock pocket and nearly dropped it because my hands were shaking so much. He snatched it from my grasp and before I had time to heave one deep breath in, I saw a flash of green light flash before me and in the same second felt excruciating pain rip through my skin, my bones, my muscles, my organs, my very cells…it made the curse Potter struck me with in the bathroom laughable. It felt like a mixture of searing hot fire and flames flowing in my bones, and being stabbed by a thousand strongly aimed knives. I screamed so hard that I couldn't hear myself screaming anymore. I twitched like a tortured spider and then it ceased and I felt nothing. I lay motionless on the ground. I couldn't hear the expected hoots. There was a strong silence. Not a sound. I tried to get up, and before my elbow rose an inch, I heard him utter _'Crucio!' _I felt the agonizing pain reap through my body again and I thrashed, slamming my arm into the window and feeling it break and shatter around me. It was unexplainably worst than the first because my body, my skin, my bones, muscles, cells and nerves felt defeated, weak, and useless.

I craned my neck, feeling it twitch in agony and saw the Dark Lord flick his wand at mother who was released and instantly was hovered before me, hands caressing my face. Her sobs echoed across the silence.

'Now, Draco, you will learn that hard work and devotion is rewarded and defiance is punished. That punishment was also for your reluctance…like Evelyn said, you ought to be happy and your unwillingness makes me wonder where your loyalties lie…Narcissa, take him to his room, he can rest and when he awakes, we will see a new side to Draco, because do not doubt…when dogs are punished enough, they will obey. Go.' Wearily and painfully, I looked to Bellatrix, who had also been crying but hers were not tears of sorrow. She was mesmerized. I felt myself being picked up and wondered how frail mother managed it…had I really gotten that skinny?

'Now, we continue the celebrations! Dumbledore is dead, we are winning…, and we shall win. The Mudbloods and blood traitors will be pruned out, and Harry Potter will be dead. Dumbledore was their only resistance, and without him, they suffer. Slater, I have assigned you with Yaxley to track the Lovegood's…' was the last thing I heard slither from his mouth and as much as my body protested, I had to hold on longer…a little longer. I could not sleep until I knew I was safe.

She was carrying me, and suddenly she slipped and I fell to the ground.

'Oh Draco, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry. P-please forgive me, oh…Draco…' she collapsed with me on the floor of the second hallway towards the staircase and sobbed. I knew she wasn't apologizing for dropping me.

'It's not your fault.' I murmured weakly. My words made her sob harder.

"_It is my mercy, and not yours, that matters now." _Was what rang through my mind when I was gently put onto my bed. She stroked my hair. I thought about those words running though my mind, said in Dumbledore's soft voice. I thought of the Dark Lord's harsh words. I almost had mercy…a taste of freedom and protection. Now, all I had was torture, cruel and merciless. I also had mothers' sobs and her tear stained, white face, destroying me in reality and haunting me in my dreams.


	5. No Blooming Flowers

_Chapter 5: No Blooming Flowers_

The first morning, after my torture, I woke up and felt like I had not dreamt, and although it was a relief to escape my nightmares, I wished I could dream. I wanted to dream about flying through the skies, being a merman and swimming and breathing through the Great Lake, relishing in the soothing cold waters. I wanted to escape. Sometimes, I pictured myself swimming through the Milky Way, doing backstrokes among the stars. I would be able to breathe, I would be able to laugh and I would be completely free from the chains that held me here…in this empty bed, in our tainted Manor, oozing with the prospect of dread and torture around every corner. The Dark Lord and the Death Eaters vanished often, sometimes we even had the house to ourselves for two complete days…but they would always return, without warning, without asking.

Severus had accepted his reward, the Death Eaters had hooted with joviality, and I caught myself staring suspiciously at Severus, and noticing to my relief, that he looked at Evelyn darkly, a hint of a scowl…even if it was quickly replaced by detachment, it was enough. I walked through the months like a corpse, dead…an inferi. I was capable of human movements. I was human, on the outside. I blinked, I talked, I breathed, I knew my heart beat but I also knew I was heartless…and I obeyed, just like the Dark Lord knew I would, after my torture. Inside, I felt empty.

The Dark Lord and the Death Eaters had not invaded our home in three consecutive days. When I entered the drawing room, disquiet and rage filled me when I saw Evelyn standing over mother, who was staring out the window blankly.

'Ah, good morning, Draco…'

'What are you doing here?' I snapped.

'Touché…the Dark Lord asked me to pop in, as it were, because he's got some good news for you.'

'Good news?' I asked hollowly.

She smiled at me, a smile that did not reach her childlike eyes.

'It's good to see that you have done something about your hair and attire, Narcissa. This sapphire silk robe is simply gorgeous.' Evelyn said richly, and I noticed that she looked impeccable, as usual. She was wearing a scarlet silk robe, with her usual blood red lips. Contrasted with her shock of black hair that ran down her back like a lion's mane, it was hard to rip my gaze away. The fact that she was devastatingly beautiful and nauseatingly vicious was an unfortunate mix. Mother craned her head away from the window, slowly, and rested her eyes on Evelyn.

'What is the good news the Dark Lord wishes me to know?' she did not snarl, nor ask kindly.

'Lucius has escaped Azkaban, and right now, he is with the Dark Lord.' Evelyn strutted around as if she owned the Manor, then she sat in a chair, and rested her legs on the table. 'Lucius! Oh, thank Merlin. Oh! When can I see him, when? When?' Mother had thrown her chair out the way, animation written on her face. She looked alive again. I felt somehow more whole and less empty. Father was free. I hardly dared believed it…but I had been so furious, so upset, that he had been imprisoned, and now he was back, he was really back, and I felt my heart leap for joy and a darkness inside me lift.

'Later, I suppose.' Evelyn replied indifferently. 'He is with the Dark Lord at the moment, and he will return home when the Dark Lord is finished with him.' she said with a grin increasing on her face. A grin she did not even try to suppress, and with a sickening feeling, I knew that father was being punished, being tortured, for failing to retrieve the prophecy.

'No! Not punished. Draco already suffered, not him too…please no! Just tell me where he is; I need to see him, now!' Mother shrieked, seizing Evelyn's scarlet red robes in her shaking hands. Evelyn clutched the hands in hers and looked at them, and her grin slipped. Disgust seized her face and she threw mother off her. 'I see your hands are still unkempt. Do not dare touch my hands with your filthy ones. Black smudges, Narcissa? Tut, tut. I must return now, and you and your son will wait here, for your husbands return.' Evelyn said each word slowly, delicately. My happiness had vanished; I was left feeling sick and worried. She disapparated and against my will, I remembered the torture. The twitching and the shuddering, the burning blaze searing through your body and stabbing you, pain beyond comprehension and imagination. Father would squirm on the ground, before that monster, the Dark Lord's feet. Mother was crying, and I could not stand here, watching her rock forward slightly, nor could I stand to hear the gasps and cries, or watch tears swim in her eyes and fall down her face. Her grief intensified mine, and words of comfort for her escaped me. Standing here threatened tears of my own to roll down my face and I could not let myself cry again. I had to force myself to be stronger than that. I walked to my bedroom down the long and narrow hallway with a tangled mixture of feelings. I felt both thrilled that father had been released, and yet, foreboding still polluted me. Even the Dark Lords dearest Bellatrix had suffered the Crucio, but it was agony beyond agony. I stopped at the high arched door to mother and fathers bedroom and stared at the large green snake slithering from the door. The face was not hissing, or screwed up in a stereotypical snide snake face. Its expression was utterly calm and enchanting. The common perception about snakes being sneaky and crafty and cunning was true, just as the individuals who belonged in Slytherin were. But snakes were also beautiful and elegant. I turned the handle and gently pushed the door open, and I was welcomed by the large bedroom…its white walls only made the room seem ever bigger, more isolated, extending. Velvet black curtains framed another wall-sized window, and I peeked out, squinting, as my eyes adjusted to the blazing sunlight. It disheartened me to see absolute nothingness. I secretly missed, how at Hogwarts, when I stared out of a window, there was always swarms of people walking by. Of course, most of them were probably Mudbloods and blood traitors, I thought coldly. I sat down on their ornate bed, covered in fluffy cushions and lilac bed covers, I lay on my side, and looked at the wooden cabinet on the end wall. With a frown, I realised I had never opened it. Never peered inside. Father would have never let me snoop through their private things. A photograph of me hung over the cabinet on the wall. I was a mere toddler. Grinning, with many teeth missing. I had been a young and innocent child, with no idea that my life would come to this. I missed blissful naivety, but then I thought of Hogwarts again, as I softly raked my hands along the polished wood of the cabinet, and that familiar wave of nostalgia seemed to sprout from deep inside, almost from…my heart. And it ran like lava throughout my entire body, and I could smell the scent of the library, again. The smell of the lawns after being freshly mown. I missed the security, I missed the years of imprints the castle had ingrained within itself…I envisioned the enchanted ceiling again, falling leaves never reaching the ground, and my stomach twisted into a knot. Shaking my head, as if to shake out these annoying feelings, I breathed deeply, and then opened the cabinet and poked my head inside, only to find photo albums, old newspaper clippings…I dug around desperately, dimly wondering why I was doing this, wondering if I was looking for something…something bad? I picked up a simple green box, lifted the lid, and looked curiously at some letters, which were badly crinkled. Opening the first envelope, my eyes whooshed across very nearly and carefully written words…

_Dear Narcissa,_

_Why? Why, after all of these years? You have been my sister only in blood, and never in meaning. You turned into a stranger, and now you write to me? If I were telling you this, face to face, I would be screaming these words at you, Narcissa. The last time I ever saw you, was at an intriguing dinner at Walburga's house. Surely, you remember? Walburga and dearest mother were blabbering on about needing to connect myself with someone of high pure blood ranking, like the golden child Bellatrix. Her name is poison to me. Yours wasn't poison to me, after that, not toxic…not lethal. Your name was, however, tormented. I felt sorry for you, I pitied you, but I still hated you. I still do…how can you write a letter, and expect…what do you expect? I told them about Ted, and they told me to leave…I left, and never returned. I never expected anything from Bellatrix, but I always hoped, really hoped that I would at least hear something from you. _

_I was foolish. I am after all, a blood traitor, right? So, now you have realised that you got yourself in too deep. Your son, the nephew I never got to meet, suffered his torture, did he? I have no sympathy for you. I have sympathy for the boy though, innocently thrown into a life he did not choose. You could have left with me. Do you know what? I always thought you were of two minds about the situation growing up. Druella, Walburga and Bellatrix were the most passionate about the cause, and after I went to Hogwarts, I saw how fake and patronizing they were…and blood purity…you know, if you only ever married pure-bloods, the gene pool would be too genetically close, and you'd start producing seriously nutty children, Narcissa. Maybe that's why Bella's so crazy, and maybe we got lucky. Mixing with half-bloods and Muggle-borns does not taint the blood, in fact, it makes the next generations stronger, as the gene pool is more diverse. Any person with half a brain knows this though, you lot are just bigoted. So you hated me, you all did…loathed me…I was no longer a Black, I was dead to you all, and why? Because I married a Muggle-born, but guess what? I gave birth to wonderful pink haired witch, you might have heard about. She's skilled, she's brilliant…she can change her appearance, and she's so lively…in what kind of world do sisters, that were as close as we were, have to be separated by prejudice? Cousins never knowing each other, such as Draco and Nymphadora, and cousin killing cousins. How did you feel knowing that Bellatrix so dismissively killed Sirius? Or do you pretend that you were never close to Sirius as a child? He was "Siri" to you. I was never relieved to find out he become a traitor too, I knew always that he was rebellious like me, but he was also brave, and smart enough to realise what a load of bullshit our family was feeding us._

_You've made it clear you are writing to me because you feel, what did you say, overwhelmed…and that you hate him, after what he did to Draco. And I'm the only person you think you can confide in? That would be correct, wouldn't it, seeing as everyone you so hate now, are so overwhelmed by, are Death Eaters. All those on the right side are hardly going to welcome you with open arms, are they?_

_Oh, you feel dead inside, do you? I loved you. Do you know what really cut me up? One would think, for a mother to say she only has two daughters now, would break that girls heart…but no…do you know what broke my heart? You. _

_Your sister, Andromeda_

I think I had been holding my breath as I read. Presumably, mothers' tears stained the bottom of the page, not so far away from Andromeda's last word _'You.' _I had always been curious about the aunt I had never met, the aunt I dared not ask questions about…the former Black. Her name was never ever uttered. It was like, finally seeing who she was…who she is, through my own eyes, through her words. She did not feel like a traitor, she felt like mother had betrayed her. A million thoughts turned inside my head, as I sat on my knees. The letter had fallen, in my shocked, slack grasp. My mouth had twisted into a smile, when I read what she said about Bellatrix. About how she was the nutty one…my body almost betrayed me by spilling out a laugh. I had deliberately never pondered on it, but children did become lunatic if you kept the gene pool that close. I felt that person within me slowly creep forwards like devils snare, holding me impossibly tight, not leaving. It was the anger, surging through me. Hatred at myself. My thoughts were leaning towards that of a blood traitor, a Mudblood lover. Andromeda was nothing but dirty scum who had betrayed her family…left mother behind…to start a new life. Scathingly, her words snuck into my ear. Words like prejudice and bigot…words like Siri and cousins. Mother had been close to him? My heart plummeted and I remembered with a blank face and wide-open eyes that Bellatrix had said Severus had wanted no one but Lily Potter? Potter's Mudblood mother. I had thought Bellatrix lied, it didn't make sense, just like this didn't make sense. Severus and mother were on the Dark Lord's side, they hated the Mudbloods and blood traitor mud, so why were they friends with such filth? Why was mother close to Sirius Black? Had been. _Had_ been close. I wondered too, how Mother had felt after Bellatrix killed him. If she loved him once, then surely she had been torn? Broken? My heart missed a beat when I saw another wrinkled letter stuffed inside the green box. With shaky hands, I grasped it, reading greedily.

_Dear Narcissa_

_What you wrote to me, kept me up most of the night. I am glad you're sorry but your words…they stung me and yet they warmed me. I was happy to hear the story you were never able to tell me yourself, about Sirius being angry with the family…even though I knew he was different, I hadn't suspected at that age, so young, that he was already questioning them. Thank you for telling me. Cissy, I knew you were terrified and anxious that night. You were as white as a sheet. To answer your question, yes Cissy, I know what's it's like to love him, to love you, and to love them. I understand how confusing it is, because I too love Bella. I love the Bella I knew as a child, and I hate the Bella she grew into. _

_Since you did not leave as I did, you were imprisoned in our pure-blood obsessed family, so it is no wonder, that you still hate Muggle-borns and 'blood traitors.' However, I can assure you, that their blood is not filthy. Human blood is human blood…its red, and it flows through our bodies, keeping us alive. I am glad I was never dead to you. You felt hatred and sadness when he died? Well Cissy, to hear that you locked yourself in your bathroom to cry when he died, does not surprise me. Like you said, if you loved once, you never stop. I am not shocked that you remembered yourselves as children. I remember too how he use to pull the puppy dog eyes on you, saying "Cissy, Cissy, I wuv you…" I remember it like it was yesterday. I can just imagine you emerging from a bathroom, secretly crying, and then being a bitch…a superior, bigoted, prat, frankly. Well, like you said, Narcissus fell in love with his reflection, and you plaster narcissism on…that is what you reflect to the world. You are, and you were, just a scared little flower who hadn't, and will never, bloom._

_I am astounded that you would like to meet me, to see me one day. You wonder if I still look like Bella? Unfortunately, I do. Like Bella and Druella, and I hate that when I look in the mirror, I see aspects of themselves reflected. You and I, and you and Bella, never looked like sisters. Of course, Bella and I looked like twins…father looked so much like you, though. Blue eyed, blonde, frail. And I miss him…I use to cry in my sleep, remembering how he didn't look manic, not furious, that night. He was too calm for such Bellatrix/Druella/Walburga antics, though. Yet, he said nothing, and with a closed mouth and a rigid stance, he let me go. I would then, agree to meet. In a reluctant way, I understand your position. You choose this life, and you are stuck with it, so our meeting must be secret. If you left now, he would kill you. Before Severus Snape killed Dumbledore, I would have told you to switch sides...he would have hidden you, but now, you are alone. I have always wondered if you look like the sister I remember, and I wondered what Draco was like, and I admit, I have always burned with curiosity to see Draco, to meet him. _

_Andromeda_

Mother locked herself in the bathroom and cried over his death? I had never heard her speak of Sirius Black. It was inconceivable, and yet, true. I could see it though, shockingly clear in my mind, I could see mother locked in a bathroom, leaning against a wall, slipping wearily like Dumbledore against the ramparts, crying as she thought of themselves as children. I had been stupid; I had never considered that she must have loved him when she was a child, or even Andromeda. I had assumed they had always hated each other. Puppy dog eyes. _"Cissy, Cissy, I wuv you."_ I felt my blood run cold, as if I had been swimming in the Great Lake on a winter's morning. Narcissus. Reflection. I understood, as I tucked the two letters away and put them back in the cabinet, that mother was not in reality as narcissistic and bigoted and as cutting as she seemed, as she could be. She simply gave this reflection to the world and she coped, I saw, in a similar way as I did. Just a scared little flower that would never bloom, and never would. I felt sick…that is all I was, too. I was a scared flower that would never bloom, because I was and always had been pitiful and weak. Malicious when I wanted to be and relishing in cruelty, but always, always, a pathetic coward.

She looked like Bella. I stood surprisingly unshakably, and walked out of that bedroom and into the drawing room, where I hoped mother would still be. I had to tell her. There was an arrangement to meet one day, and I was involved. She wanted to see _me._ Mother must have been planning to tell me, anyway, I had thought confusingly, and I couldn't hear the pounding of my feet against the polished floorboards, only the pounding of my heart in my ears. It was hard to imagine someone looking like Bellatrix, and being so…different. Maybe kind?

I turned the doorknob and expected to find her still crying, or perhaps sitting there and looking vacantly into the distance, but she was writing furiously and I wondered if she was replying to Andromeda. As soon as I creaked the door open, she had frozen, writing ceased.

'Are you…alright, now?' I asked.

'Yes…yes, I'm fine. Lucius will be home before long.' Mother smiled her first genuine smile since the day I had been tortured. I sat down in the chair opposite her, noticing for the first time that my legs were stinging and prickly, that I had pins and needles, for sitting on my knees while I read her letters.

'I…wasinyourbedroom…andireadyourletters.' The words spewed from my mouth too fast and too mumbled.

'Sorry?'

'I…was in your bedroom and I saw a cabinet I had never seen before. I was curious. So I opened it, and found your letters. Letters from Andromeda. And I read them.'

Her face crinkled into worry.

'W-what did you think?'

'Well, you can't really argue with the logic…you know, about inbred nutters.'

She laughed. For the first time in a long time she laughed and it was like permission for me to do the same, and I laughed. It felt so good, so refreshing.

'I was surprised that you were close to…Sirius.' His name was foreign and strange to my mouth, to my voice.

An odd expression crossed her face.

'We were children. Of course, we all loved each other. Even Regulus…he was always so moody, though, and Sirius was mischievous. He was a lot like Andromeda.'

'So…what was…she like?' I ventured.

'Impervious, rebellious, hot-headed, temperamental, intelligent…proud, but open minded. I love and hate her, Draco. And the fact that I love her is my biggest kept secret.' I nodded.

'Just like you love and _hate_ Bellatrix.'

'Yes.' Mother whispered.

'Do you wish that you had made the same decision she had?' I asked, feeling odd. I may have been born into a vastly different life, in that case.

'No. I would not have had you otherwise-'

'Yes…because you and father could still have been together!' I said indignantly.

'Your father became a Death Eater, and if I had chosen Andromeda's path, I would not have chosen to be with a Death Eater.' Did I value my life more than mothers? Would I have wished mother to have a better life with her sister, instead of having me? I could not bring myself to wish that I valued her life over mine…and I knew I was selfish, but I also knew, that most people, if they were truly honest with themselves, would value their own lives more than someone else's…more than their mothers. I was selfish, but at least I was honest with myself.

So I nodded solemnly.

'Do you want to meet your aunt, then?'

'Yes.' I replied, automatically.

'Then, we shall. I was going to tell her I changed my mind. I wasn't going to tell you, I never dared believe your reaction would be was it is.' Mother began writing again, and I looked at her hand, seeing the blank ink smudge on her hands and my mind whizzed to the times Evelyn had sneered to mother about her smudged hands. I sat in the armchair in the corner and mused over everything I had read, analysing Andromeda and her words. It was so peculiar, haunting and shattering…but I was so anxious to meet her, I needed to see her and her face so like Bellatrix's. I wanted to look upon the aunt whose name I had guessed was forbidden, the woman we never spoke of. She was a disowned Black. She was dead. She was a ghost. She was a filthy blood traitor.

I heard mother screech and I looked up. She was knotted in a hug with father. I could hardly believe that a moment ago father was not here, and in the next moment, he was. I felt both the happiest and most hesitant I had ever felt. Father had apparated, he was back…and I simply sat there, watching. Watching them kiss, watching them press their heads together. Watching them separate, and watching father watch me. I did not know what to do. I had missed him, but we never hugged, and he could always find something to criticize me for, but surprisingly he pulled me gently into a hug and I was so ecstatically happy and so amazingly shocked to my core, and slightly shaken. We parted, and he looked at me, with sudden warmth in his usually colder, grey eyes. My eyes loomed to the table. The letter was gone, and with a sinking feeling, I realised we would be keeping this a definite secret from father. After all, Andromeda had said it must be secret. She was right, there was too much to lose…mother and I would be seen as traitors to the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters. They would think we were Mudblood and blood traitor lovers. We were not. I hated them, and they were filthy. They were scum. I knew their blood was red, and flowed through their bodies like our blood, but their blood was tainted. Tainted with their difference, their rebellion, their stupid courage and their crass. Polluted and corrupted with insubordination.


	6. No Speaking of our Secrets

_Chapter 6: No Speaking of our Secrets _

It was the heaviest secret mother and I was carrying, and as time cruelly sped up, I felt the burden of the impending day when we would see Andromeda. She had replied with a letter reminiscent of the crinkled letters I had found in mothers cabinet. With the tone of frostiness and hurt. Foreboding. Mixed with longing. She had not written a date…not a day, not a time, not a place. For now, she had said, we would continue on the paths we had chosen, until the time was right. Did she mean after her hoped for fall of the Dark Lord? Because I did not believe, no matter how hard I hoped for it, that the Dark Lord would really ever vanish from our lives. All I knew was that one day, any day, perhaps when we least expected it; we would receive a letter from Andromeda, informing us of when to meet. I felt as if our secret was a burden, despite how desperate my curiosity was for my disowned aunt. I was paranoid. I was terrified the Dark Lord would know. That he would find out. I had one very distinct nightmare of our secret being revealed, I saw Bellatrix's face reflecting betrayal, her anger, so fierce, she killed mother. Her beloved Cissy. I saw the Death Eaters horrified and angry reactions, but the Dark Lord…he was cold and so furious, he was beyond looking angry. His expression was perfectly calm. Deceiving. With a flick of his wand, green light was blasted towards us. And we were no more. I was nothing. Then I woke up.

The days had been warm ad sunny. Tonight I darted around our many acres and the moonlight shone impressively. We relished in our time with father when the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters were not invading our home. Father was different. His confidence and arrogance had been knocked down. Seemingly, impossibly, he was acting meek. I knew not to be fooled by the clear blue skies, the glowing days that had been. Even when my eyes accidentally rested on a lone lily growing by the fountain where the peacocks scurried by, I did not dare believe in its innocence or purity. I would not be fooled. Even though I could have Apparated, I simply walked back towards the manor. I could not remember the last time I had walked barefoot along the dewy grass, or experienced the bursting energy of the water, the flowers, the trees, and I had wished I could have become apart of them. Escape myself, and be water, perhaps. To be human, I had reflected, was an odd thing to happen, or choose to become. The mere nature was humans was confusing…the nature of myself confused me, and I decided against a mind boggling inner debate about humanity at large when I couldn't even figure myself out. My footsteps were light, not pounding anymore, up the staircases. There were too many staircases, I stopped at one level and came to another, and I was becoming increasingly breathless. I was now running further up, and I wondered again why I did not just Apparate to my chosen location…but then I thought, as I finally reached the top and came to the narrow hallway, that I hadn't even realised the staircase was _that _long. Being capable of magic made everything so effortless; you really forgot that there was effort in anything.

The very sight I did not expect at this moment met my eyes as I burst into the drawing room, and yet it had been the very situation I knew was approaching deceivingly, pretending to be innocent. It was congested with people…with Death Eaters. Our house had not been a host to this many people since the night Severus and I returned from Hogwarts. I had to repel my body and mind from crumbling with the thought of Hogwarts. So weak. Mother and father were sitting side by side, expressionless. I knew the Dark Lord was there, I could see even though I didn't dare look directly at him, and I knew, without looking, that someone was hanging up side down over the table. My insides clenched.

'Good of you to finally join us, Draco.' I heard the Dark Lord speak and I forced my head up.

'Sit down, Draco!' Bellatrix snapped, frowning. I scrambled to a vacant chair. I had to know who…so I looked, and regretted it the moment my eyes found her unconscious face. She was vaguely familiar…a Professor from Hogwarts…but what did she teach? The Dark Lord's spine curling high voice spoke. 'Yaxley. Snape. You are nearly very late.'

My head shot up, and I saw Severus, etching closer. He was dressed in his usual black attire, wearing his usual indifferent expression. I hoped my expression was indifference whenever my eyes flew back to the trapped woman.

'Severus, here,' The Dark Lord said, gesturing towards his right. Severus Snape, the right hand man, I thought grimly.

'So?' was all the Dark Lord said. My mind had made the decision, so I looked at him, but my body had not caught up yet. I looked at his snake-like face, his bone white pale skin…it was not until my eyes found his glinting red pupils that my heart accelerated.

'My Lord, the Order of the Phoenix intends to move Harry Potter from his current place of safety on Saturday next, at nightfall.'

I almost looked up at Severus stunned. Instead, I kept my gaze on the imprisoned, unconscious woman. I was shocked. My ears drank everything in. They were going to capture Potter…what hope did we have for the Dark Lord to vanish? And if they caught Potter and if mother and I were found to be accused blood traitor lovers…I would be murdered. My hand twitched, so I quickly hid them beneath the table.

'Good. Very good. And this information comes-'

'From the source we discussed,' Severus answered. I looked at him. Had he just interrupted the Dark Lord?

'My Lord.' Yaxley's desperate voice that leaked with the desire to be appreciated curled forth.

'Dawlish, the Auror, let slip that Potter will not be moved until the thirtieth, the night before the boy turns seventeen.' Had Severus then lied to the Dark Lord? No, not his right hand man, not his favourite. His perfect little Death Eater who had murdered Albus Dumbledore, and even though I recall flickers of understanding between Severus and myself, I could not harbour a liking, a connection, a friendship. Not anymore. I had once pondered that he may have been my only friend, and now as I looked at his smiling face mysterious piece of an unfinished puzzle to the man, my old Professor, but I didn't know what. And it was not something I was afraid of. Yaxley was still trying to undermine Severus, but my thoughts kept turning, so I did not listen. On the night I had lay on the stairs and looked at the stairs, Severus and I had talked. I had noticed that for the first time since I had known the Professor, he had ingrained a far away, vacant look about him. He had stared dazed at the tree by the lake, and we had talked. Now, half of me resented Severus for killing Dumbledore. He took away _my_ option and my ticket to freedom. A new life. The other half of me realised that he had saved me. I had not been able to kill Dumbledore, and he did it for me. For mother. I did not know whether to feel grateful or infuriated and bitter. I think I felt both. I had to mentally shake myself out of my maddening thoughts, because I heard Severus' distinct voice.

'-he is certain. I assure you, Yaxley, the Auror Office will play no further part in the protection of Harry Potter. The Order believes that we have infiltrated the Ministry.'

'My Lord. Dawlish believes an entire party of Aurors will be used to transfer the boy-'

No one was looking at Yaxley. All eyes were glued to the Dark Lord and Severus.

'Where are they going to hide the boy next?' 

'At the home of one of the Order.' Severus replied impassively. The place according to the source has been given every protection that the Order and Ministry could together provide. I think that there is little chance of taking him once he is there, my Lord, unless of course, the Ministry has fallen before next Saturday, which might give us the opportunity to discover and undo enough of the enchantments to break through the rest.'

'We could make the Ministry fall before next Saturday, we could discover and undo the enchantments, get Potter sooner…we are Death Eaters for a reason, because we are skilled enough to infiltrate such procedures. At least, most of us are.' I had not noticed Evelyn, for she was wearing black robes like Severus, and combined with her black hair and pale face, she did not stand out as the usual majestic Evelyn I was so accustomed to. Her face was gloating; her innocent, blue eyes were mocking Severus. His lip coiled.

'Yes, that is true. Although, perhaps Severus advises us to be cautious, perhaps we should be. He is my most trusted advisor.' The Dark Lord said, and Severus smirked in triumph. Evelyn's face betrayed nothing. I payed attention, her blue eyes twinkled as she stared at Severus, and I glanced sideways at Severus. His deadpan face had melted into a split seconds look of raw haunting. Now that I think about it, I believe the twinkling of her blue eyes reminded Severus of the blue twinkling eyes of someone else…

'Well, Yaxley? Will the Ministry have fallen next Saturday?'

'My Lord, I have good news on that score. I have - with difficulty, and after great effort - succeeded in placing an Imperius Curse upon Pius Thicknesse.' Yaxley's very wording showed that he wanted words of appreciation from the Dark Lord, and I half expected the Dark Lord to praise Yaxley.

'It's a start. But Thicknesse is only one man. Scrimgeour must be surrounded by our people before I act. One failed attempt on the Ministers life will set me back a long way.' The Dark Lord said evenly. Yaxley continued to prattle on, and my mind flew away. I looked towards Bellatrix, I looked at her wild, agitated eyes and I suddenly thought of Andromeda, and tried to envision that face, inhabited by an enormously different person. It was so strange. She was draining the last of her wine and staring lovingly at the Dark Lord. I felt like frowning at her, but thought better of it. My face was beginning to feel stiff for lack of expression. My eyes found Blake Slater, the other new Death Eater, who I knew practically nothing about. He was quite, and said nothing, unless spoken to. He might have felt me looking at him, because his searing lime-green eyes met with mine and I had once thought they were the type of eyes that looked like they could burn through you, burn through your very essence and soul, and know your every secret. They destroyed you like fire. I looked away, feeling like an open book that had been unwillingly read, and listened to the flow of conversation.

'- If Potter Apparates or uses the Floo Network, we shall know immediately.' I caught Yaxley saying.

'He will not do either,' Severus said softly. 'The Order is eschewing any form of transport that is controlled or regulated by the Ministry; they mistrust everything to do with the place.'

So the Order mistrusted the Ministry? I thought about Potter…they were going to catch him, and when Dumbledore was alive, I would have thought Potter stood a chance, but now it seemed hopeless, and I was glad I was not Harry Potter. Or was I? Suddenly, I found myself debating my own affirmation. If I were him, I would not be sitting here in a host to the Dark Lord, to the Death Eaters. They thought themselves to be the innocent victims, and yet they knew nothing of what it was to be an innocent victim from within. 'All the better. He will have to move in the open. Easier to take, by far.' Easier to take. My mind whirled to the scene when I was only fourteen and my parents were amongst the propaganda at the Qudditch World Cup. I had warned Potter and Wealsey to watch out for the Mudblood Granger, and I had hated, absolutely loathed, Mudbloods. I still did. Perhaps, though, I hated them less fiercely. I had hated Mudbloods, and yet I had not wanted to see her suffer. I had warned them. There was no way to warn them now.

'…I have been careless, and so have been thwarted by luck and chance, those wreckers of all but the best laid plans. But I know better now. I understand those things that I did not understand before. I must be the one to kill Harry Potter, and I shall be.' My mouth felt dry. Before I could think any further, a loud, ear-shattering scream pierced my ears. I looked towards mother and father. They flinched for a moment, and then stared questioningly, but blankly.

'Wormtail,' The Dark Lord began softly, in a carried voice. 'Have I not spoken to you about keeping our prisoner quite?' I couldn't fathom feelings or thoughts as I glanced at her, and I felt numb.

'Yes m- my Lord,'

'As I was saying, I understand better now.' He looked at each of us and while it seemed that he was drinking our faces, our expressions, in all at once, it was also like he way analysing us each individually, carefully, 'I shall need, for instance, to borrow a wand from one of you before I go to kill Potter.' Why? My mind screamed. What was wrong with his wand? His eyes loomed over us all like a lion hungry for his prey, and I felt tingled with nerves. I hoped with my entire being that he would not request to have my wand.

'No volunteers? Lets see…Lucius; I see no reason for you to have a wand anymore.' My heart dropped. Father was already a different person, even if no one but I…or perhaps mother, knew. He was desperate, broken.

'My Lord?' Father asked croakily.

'Your wand, Lucius. I require your wand.' Silence.

'I…'

Father looked towards mother. He had dark shadows under his eyes; his skin was waxy, sickly. I saw her hand grasp fathers' wrist, and he looked at her meaningfully. This short, insignificant, split-second moment between them is one I still remember. The very angle of her hand upon his wrist, the light that swam upon their shadowy skin. As soon as mother's hand met father's skin, he pulled his wand from his robe and handed it to the Dark Lord. Perhaps this is why I remember their mothers fleeting touch so vividly. It reinforced how they loved each other sincerely.

'What is it?' The Dark Lord asked, after holding it up to his eyes, penetrating it with his gaze.

'Elm, my Lord.' Father whispered. Strangled voice.

'And the core?' He pressed.

'Dragon - dragon heartstring.'

'Good.' The Dark Lord said, after pulling out his own, scarcely unique wand. He held them close together, comparing their lengths, but father had reached his hand out.

'Give you my wand, Lucius? _My_ wand?' Snarling laughs and sniggers filled the room. I felt sorry for my father.

'I have given you your liberty, Lucius. Is that not enough for you? But I have noticed that you and your family seem less happy of late…what is it about my presence in your home that displeases you, Lucius?' So he had noticed? Of course. The Dark Lord missed nothing.

'Nothing - nothing, my Lord!'

'Such _lies_, Lucius…'

I heard hissing. Distinct hissing. It grew louder.

I knew what it was. Her heavy sliding across the floor was heard by us all, and a choked silence followed, as we swallowed her hissing, her slithering. I watched horrified as Nagini glided up his chair, and rested across his shoulders as if he was wearing her like a fashion item, a scarf draped around. I watched as his snow white fingers caressed her large head. I swallowed the build up of saliva that had lumped together, and my hands felt clammy. I watched with sickened captivation. If he so felt like it, he could hiss a single message to kill any of us. To kill me. I gulped and looked away.

'Why do the Malfoys look so unhappy with their lot? Is my return, my rise to power, not the very thing they professed to desire for so many years?

'Of course, my Lord.' I noticed that fathers face was covered with a light sheen of sweat, and his slightly twitching hand moved to wipe some away from his upper lip. 'We did desire it - we do.' I saw mother nod stiffly. Surely, she wasn't agreeing to such a statement…such a lie? I looked at father. He had said, but quickly caught himself, 'We _did _desire it.' I chanced a glance at the Dark Lord, peering momentarily to see an expression. Perhaps one of disdain, resentment, betrayal, curiosity. He looked blank. I quickly glanced away. I could not bear to look into the red slits he had for eyes.

'My Lord,' Bellatrix voice, dripping in passion, leaked forth. 'It is an honour to have you here, in our family's house. There can be no higher pleasure.' Our families' house? This was my immediate family's house. Mother, father and I. Not Mother, father, Bellatrix and I. She thought this was her house, her families' house and she lived here, and acted as if it was. The only real home that was her families was the one she grew up in, The Noble and most Ancient House of Black. She would not admit it. Not after the blood traitor, Sirius had lived in it all to himself.

It repulsed me how she leaned towards him, how she could bear such closeness. How could she love…or perhaps Bellatrix's only definition of love was fascinated obsession…yet even so, how could she be fascinated, obsessed, with him? Long for closeness, with him?

'No high pleasure,' The Dark Lord murmured. He was staring at Bellatrix curiously. 'That means a great deal, Bellatrix, coming from you.' I felt like scoffing. I kept the disgust that was threatening to appear on my face at bay, as I watched her face blotch with redness and tears well in her dark eyes.

'My Lord knows I speak nothing but the truth!'

'No higher pleasure…even compared with the happy event that, I hear, has taken place in your family this week?' I did not look at him. I listened intently. But silence welcomed his words and I lifted my head up to stare at Bellatrix. She looked puzzled. I was also perplexed. What was he talking about? Her family? My family? What had happened?

'I don't know what you mean, my Lord.'

'I'm talking about your niece, Bellatrix. And yours Lucius and Narcissa. She has just married the werewolf, Remus Lupin. You must be so proud.' I felt completely mortified. I was related to a woman who had married a monster, a half-breed, filthy, werewolf? An eruption of laugher exploded. Everyone was laughing and looking from Bellatrix to mother, to father, to me, gleefully. I felt my humiliation rise and I wished I could sink into the ground and vanish. I knew my embarrassment didn't show on my face, I was pale and clammy, but Bellatrix was blushing, and as I saw this, I felt inwardly pleased. I forgot about my own mortification and humiliation for a moment.

'She is no niece of ours, my Lord.' Bellatrix shouted over the screeching laugher. I looked towards Severus. He was not laughing, but his eyes had glittered, his lips had curved into a smirk. 'We - Narcissa and I - have never set eyes on our sister since she married the Mudblood. This brat has nothing to do with us, nor any beast she marries.' As soon as she spoke of Andromeda, by stomach flopped. Mothers' expression betrayed nothing, but I knew she did not feel quite the same as Bellatrix about Andromeda. Mother had never set eyes on her since she married the Mudblood…but one day, she and I would. Somehow, I knew, that day would not be far. It would become a lie. We would set eyes on her.

'What say you, Draco?' He asked and I felt my heart drop and then pick up and in the next moment, felt it accelerate drastically. I gathered myself and looked at him. 'Will you baby sit the cubs?'

He was enjoying this. The laugher burst louder and more shrill than before. I looked at father, petrified. I wished he would meet my eye and some kind of understanding would me seen. I wanted to see what he saw, what he felt, but he kept glancing at his lap. It was a docile, defeated gesture. I looked towards mother and instead caught her eye but it did not reassure me. Her blue eyes were wide, blank, and hiding. She stared at the wall behind me with a lifeless, blank stare.

'Enough.' He said, stroking his hideous, horrible, terrifying snake. I hated that thing. It looked like it might have once been an elegant, beautiful and majestic snake. It now looked like it was too much apart of him, too much attached. There was nothing elegant and beautiful nor majestic about Nagini. 'Enough.' He repeated. The jeering laugher ceased. Silence slithered onwards.

'Many of our oldest family trees have become a little diseased over time. You must prune yours, must you not, to keep it healthy? Cut away those parts that threaten the health of the rest.' Despite my terror, I looked at him. Then I thought of Andromeda's letter and the words of inbred seriously nutty children zoomed around my mind, threatening my lips to twitch into a smirk. I thought about what she had said. By doing what the Dark Lord had said, kept the family trees narrow, weak. By not pruning, by not cutting away those that 'threatened' the rest, stronger, more wide-ranging, generations would grow. His remark made Bellatrix's eyes water pathetically again, and as she cried, 'Yes, my Lord. At the first chance!' I knew she was pledging to kill Andromeda, her daughter, the Mudblood Andromeda married…just like she had killed her blood traitor cousin, Sirius Black.

'You shall have it. And in your family, so in the world…we shall cut away the canker that infects us until only those of the true blood remain…' So in our family, in the world, they could cut away all the links to stronger, more magical, generations? They would have the race of the wizarding world destroyed and collapsing because of their prejudice? I gaped at myself inwardly. This was no me. Not who I am. Who I was. What was happening? I was like them…I had to be. I hated Mudbloods and blood traitors and the infections they caused on our bloodlines, and I too, wanted them pruned away. Didn't I? _"Yes, you want them pruned away…so that all that remains is inbred nutters of weak magic? Because that really makes sense…"_ Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it, I thought desperately. Don't listen. So I didn't listen. I thought about what he had said about allowing only those of true blood to remain…but Severus himself was only a half-blood. My eyes widened in fear as the body that was suspended came to life. She groaned, then she opened her eyes and I stared into them. They were the same colour blue as stormy oceans. I tried not to think about that description, but it rattled through my head. I looked at her in distaste. She was fighting against invisible bonds and it reminded me of how mother had fought so hard, struggled with all her might, to free herself from invisible imprisonment. That thought made the distaste slip like melting butter from my face.

'Do you recognise our guest, Severus?' The Dark Lord asked as Severus raised his indifferent eyes to her. She revolved and her face glittered in the firelight. The fire danced fiercely against her frightened face.

'Severus! Help me!' she screamed and I looked at Severus. His face was unaffected. Even if I had been him…even if I had been him and felt nothing but hate or indifference towards her, I don't know how I could bear watching her die, if I had been a colleague to her. Had she regarded Severus as a friend, too? I glanced back at her face, knotted into denial and complete terror. I looked towards Evelyn, who was smirking, who was looking onwards in awe. Slater's eyes held curiosity, searing curiosity and hunger.

'And you, Draco?' I shook my head clumsily, hating his slinking voice, and hating it when he asked me questions. It always sent a jolt through me, whenever he asked me something with Draco? attached to it.

'But you would not have taken her classes.' He said evenly. 'For those that do not know, we are joined here tonight by Charity Burbage who, until recently, taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.' Mutters and murmurs filled the room.

'Yes…Professor Burbage taught the children of witches and wizards all about Muggles…how they are not so different from us…' Not so different from us? I felt disgusted. Perhaps it served her right, to be revolving around us panic-stricken. There was nothing similar about inferior, idiotic, Muggles, and us powerful and magical. That is why we were magical. It was proof we were superior to Muggles. It was one thing that I was viewing the Muggleborns with less hatred; they at least were witches and wizards - even though Bellatrix and her mother thought Muggleborns to be mere Muggles who stole magic. Not quite. I thought of Granger.

'Severus…please…please…' So, she had been on first name basis with Severus, had she? Perhaps she had trusted him. Trust. I inwardly scoffed at the thought of trust. It did not exist, at least, not in my world.

'Silence,' The Dark Lord said and he pointed his wand at her. She was instantly silenced. 'Not content with corrupting and polluting the minds of wizarding children, last week Professor Burbage wrote an impassioned defence of Muggleborns in the Daily Prophet. Wizards, she says, must accept these thieves of their knowledge and magic. The dwindling of the pure-bloods is, says Professor Burbage, a most desirable circumstance…she would have us all mate with Muggles…or no doubt, werewolves.' Perhaps everyone would have laughed, but his voice held too much of a severe bitterness. We knew when he commanded hilarity, and when he did not. I stared at the woman and saw her face absolutely drenched in tears, and I watched her as she turned to face Severus again. He looked at her without a drop of emotion. Not even anger, not even bitterness. Not even a smirk.

'_Avada Kedavra.' _Green light projected all throughout the room, blinding my eyes. She fell with a loud clash to the table, and I was so scared, so horrified, all I could remember was how the haunting green light flew into her and how she instantly died. Crashed to the table, dead. Her crashing thud frightened me so much; I fell out of my chair onto the floor. I did not get up. I was petrified and it was not just, because she had died in front of me…I remembered as if it was yesterday, the same blinding green light, hitting Dumbledore squarely in the chest. I recalled the look of hatred of Severus' face and I wondered how could he hate the man so much, what had Dumbledore ever done to him to arouse such hatred? I remembered how Dumbledore crumbled backwards, lifeless. I remembered how I had been unable to produce that killing curse. And I remember how I had nearly escaped this life, with the prospect of fleeing to another, safer, good life. The _right _side, he had called it.

'Dinner, Nagini.' He near whispered and she slithered off his shoulders, onto the table, and etched her way closer to the woman who had been named Charity.

'What if we're both thinking the wrong thing about each other?' I hissed. Severus stared at me blankly. We had all been excused, and I had found Severus secluded in our most large, most imposing library with books lining entire walls and winding stare cases with books swimming higher and higher.

'I have no idea what you mean.'

'I know there's something you're not telling me. Would it help if…if I told you I don't care much for this…this cause?'

He now looked amused. 'Everybody already knows that. Didn't you hear the Dark Lord? He said the Malfoys were 'unhappy with their lot.' Why would that be, Draco? Haven't you always hated Potter…are you telling me you would like to be on their side?' he asked with one eyebrow raised.

'No! I do hate Potter, you git. You don't have to like someone to think their cause is better than…than this. Do you know what he - what Dumbledore said to me before you murdered him? He said, "Come over to the right side." He told me he could hide me and my parents and you…you took that away from me!' I snarled, but I felt hysteria rising. I realised I had been grasping his black robe. I let go.

This may have been the biggest risk of my life. Severus was a Death Eater. What if he told the Dark Lord everything I told him? Somehow, I knew he wouldn't. He had killed Dumbledore to save me.

'You were going to swap sides so flippantly, were you? So fickle, you are.'

'Why not? What do you get out of this? You get some kind of obscure pleasure from being nothing but a servant to such a hideous person? Right. You think killing and torturing people is rewarding. Your-'

'Enough.' Severus said dangerously, but quietly. 'This is quite a changeover, Draco. The Draco I thought I knew would never have expressed something so careless. He wouldn't endanger his life by revealing such punishable secrets to a Death Eater he knows killed Dumbleore, would he?' I looked him squarely in the eye and I felt like…throttling him.

'Well maybe the Draco you knew has changed.' I sneered.

'Changed? Oh, are you going to change into a brave and noble Draco? Are you going to turn against the Dark Lord and try and vanquish him, is that it?' His voice dripped with irony.

'No. Never. Maybe all that's changed is that I got tortured by him and there's nothing rewarding or glorifying about this path. Maybe I just want out.'

'And why do you feel you can trust me?'

'Maybe I don't. I think…I never feel threatened by you. But I hate you. Maybe I'm not confiding in you, maybe I would to hurt you like you hurt everyone else. Hurt you for killing him. He was going to give me a way out. And…you…stole…it, from me.' I hissed, getting angrier, steeping closer. He had risen from his chair; he was staring at me questionably.

'Why did you do it?' I asked.

'You very well know why. I made the Unbreakable Vow to your mother-'

'Why?'

He said nothing.

'You are an ungrateful child. I should have left you to it.'

'I just want to know why.'

'Because Dumbledore asked me to.' I was not expecting that. And he looked suddenly the most honest version of himself I had seen. His hands were trembling. I looked around. We were quite alone. The Dark Lord had left hours ago; the majority of the Death Eaters had left.

'Don't lie! Why would he ask you do-'

He yanked my arm, gripping so tightly it hurt and I felt myself being swooped. That familiar sensation. We landed with a thud in a very small lounge room, a house that reeked with neglect. Spinner's End.

'Why did you bring me here?' I gasped.

'There is danger of being heard, you insulate fool. Blake Slater for one, is still lurking around your house.'

'Right.'

'Sit.' I sat. He looked very unnerved, and he did not sit. Instead, he paced around the room.

'I will not tell you everything. Dumbledore touched a cursed ring. An item of the Dark Lord's. That is why his hand was black, a product of the curse. Slowly, it would kill him, but I managed to contain it, at least for a while. He asked that I kill him, since he was dying anyway.'

That was it? Dumbledore was dying so he asked Snape to finish him off? I didn't get it. Then my heart dropped in my stomach and I looked at Severus, gaping.

'Because it all fits. He also wanted to use it to the advantage of you and me. That way I didn't have to kill him - but…' I frowned. Did that mean that Severus…I wasn't breathing? I was too paralysed by shock. I finally gasped.

'That means…you are…you were…loyal to Dumbledore. I told him he was a fool! That you were a spy. But you're a double spy, aren't you? You aren't really working for the Dark-'

'Be quite!' he snapped. 'We are going to make the Unbreakable Vow. That means, if you tell a single soul what you have learnt of my allegiance, or anything else I have told you, you will die.'

No. Absolutely not.

"_All you have to do is not tell anyone." _

I had been completely relieved when I found out he had been loyal to Dumbledore. A weight lifted. I realised I could trust him again. Before he died, I had been determined. Hungry for glory. I wanted it all. I loved the cause, and I believed in it. Then he died, and that part of me had died also. The part hungry for glory and recognition. The part of me starving to be the Dark Lord's best, most accomplished most perfect…

'Alright.' I finally agreed. A thought crossed my mind. He could be a snide little double crosser, a complete liar. Completely loyal to the Dark Lord. 'You will also make the Unbreakable Vow, pledging that you will not tell anyone that I'm-'

'I know. Yes. Come closer.'

I came closer. He gasped my hand within is cold one, pointing his wand.

'Will you, Draco, promise to not tell anyone of anything you have learnt about me. Will you promise to keep my true allegiance a secret?'

'Yes.' I choked. A red flame flew from his wand and swam around our linked hands.

'Will you, Severus, promise to not tell anyone…of anything you have learnt about me? Will you promise to keep my desire to have been on their side, to have changes sides, a secret?'

The glowing flame intensified and made a glowing flame around our hands.

'I will.'

The flame blazed and twisted, and erupted with finality. We had made our promises to each other, and we would keep them. Or we would die. We broke the link of our clasped hands, and I etched backwards, gazing at the man I knew had pieces to him of an unfinished puzzle and I was finally finding some of those pieces.

I felt sick. My body was tingling with nerves, agitated, alight. I was now burdened with two secrets. Andromeda and Severus.


End file.
